Suppression
by lyiint
Summary: This story deals with child sexual abuse and is meant for mature readers only. Some of the chapters may be disturbing to some readers, do not read if you will be bothered by this.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Inuyasha or the song "Welcome to My Life", they are owned by Rumiko Takahashi and Simple Plan respectively. Please read the following warning and information before proceeding to the story – thanks 

This story deals with child sexual abuse and is meant for mature readers only. Some of the chapters will be explicit which may be disturbing to some readers **DO NOT READ IF YOU FEEL YOU WOULD BE BOTHERED BY THIS**.

According to the National Agency on Child Sexual Abuse (CSA), children are naturally sexual creatures. Boys frequently have erections at birth and, like girls, can be sexually aroused by the touch of an adult or another child stroking any portion of their skin. Adults can take advantage of that early sexuality and lead a child into areas where it is not prepared or equipped to deal with.

In later years, as an adult, CSA victims may be invaded by nightmares or flashbacks which can be triggered by anything that could remind them of the incidents. They may freeze into benumbed calm in situations of extreme stress. A feeling of dissociation is often present and the victim may have loss of memory of the incidents.

There is often no physical evidence but victims may experience fear, guilt, anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, difficulty with close relationships, mistrust, ambivalence and hatred. These feelings can stay with the victim for their entire lives.

Some signs of CSA include but are not limited to: unusual interest and/or avoidance of sex (some victims experience one or both depending on situations), sleep problems, nightmares, drug and/or alcohol dependency, self mutilation, depression, withdrawal, secretiveness, seductiveness or aggressiveness.

Chapter 1

Sesshoumaru stood by the tree shaking. He was trying hard to bring himself back under control so he could move on to the spring and wash the blood from his clothing and body. What bothered him was not the fact that he had killed those men, but in killing them how he had lost complete control of himself.

The demon lord had been heading back to where he had left Rin and Jaken. He had been tracking Naraku yet again and yet again the slippery spider had disappeared. Passing an abandoned hut, he had heard the cries of a child, and curious, had gone to investigate. What he saw had made even his blood run cold. Three men had a small girl pinned to an old futon. The child was naked, and one of the men had pinned the girl's shoulders to the futon while another was holding her legs wide open. The third was climbing in between them. The girl was the same age as his Rin and something had snapped inside Sesshoumaru.

The youkai lord entered the hut and grabbed the man trying to rape the child and threw him against the wall. The two others, being confronted with an enraged demon, had jumped up to run but Sesshoumaru stood between them and the door.

"Run," he instructed the shocked, wide eyed human child. "And do not look back." The small girl grabbed the ratty kimono that she had been wearing before the men had stripped it from her. She did as her saviour ordered.

This was the last coherent thought that Sesshoumaru had as he literally ripped the men apart. When he had finished, blood dripped from his entire body. Pieces of human flesh littered the hut and he was panting and snarling like an animal, his eyes completely red.

That's when he had left, concerned that he had lost it so completely and that he had been so utterly savage. He could not for the life of him understand why he had had such a violent reaction. Finally, he moved towards the spring to undress and clean himself and his clothing. Feelings of unease took ahold of him and would not be pushed back.

_What is wrong with me? I know the strength of which I'm capable, the leashed rage within and I have been smart enough to treat it gingerly, with respect. Why did it get so out of control? _ Sesshoumaru had no answers for himself and a restless, edgy feeling crept over him. He was shocked that he couldn't seem to coat himself in his calm, numb cocoon that he stayed in most of the time. With a growl he left the springs, putting his still wet clothing back on and trying to push the events of the afternoon from his mind.

The child put his hand against the warm chest in front of him. He was sitting on someone's lap. He thought he knew who it was, but was unable to see the face clearly. The small boy did not feel fear, only curiosity. The man leaned back in the chair. The boy could feel him smile down encouragingly even if he couldn't see the face. The child's hand was so small and the further back the man leaned, the further the little hand travelled down the body in front of him. Soon the small boys hand was at the waistband of the hakamas and still the tot felt no fear. He could hear the man whispering, "go ahead, touch it," and he slipped his chubby, two year old fingers into the pants. The boy was surprised, there was warm skin down there and what felt like the soft bristles of an old hairbrush.

Sesshoumaru jerked awake, his heartbeat and breathing rapid. A bead of sweat travelled down the side of his face. He stood and paced back and forth, that earlier feeling of unease now multiplied. He stopped and leaned against a tree, his stomach feeling suddenly nauseous. He slowly contained his roiling gut and the rioting emotions within him that the dream had evoked and walked over to check on Rin. She was still sound asleep, as was his green retainer. He sat beside her until morning, feeling far too jittery to sleep.

"What the hell?" Inuyasha exclaimed as he looked at the gruesome scene inside the hut. They had been tracking a demon that had a shard of the shikon jewel when the hanyou had smelt the unmistakeable odour of blood…and his brother. "You better not look in here," he told Kagome as his own gut gave a lurch.

Miroku gasped and put his hand over his mouth. "Kami," he exclaimed. "Who would do something like this?"

Inuyasha didn't reply but just closed the door. _Could Sesshoumaru have done this? _He asked himself. He knew his brother had no problems in killing humans, but this just seemed too savage, not his brother's style at all. It looked like a wild animal had torn them apart. He could not deny that the only other scent here was Sesshoumaru's though.

"Should we bury them?" Kagome asked. Inuyasha had closed the door before Kagome, Shippou or Sango had a chance to see but the miko teen figured that there had to be dead bodies in there from the reaction of her two male friends.

Miroku and Inuyasha looked at each other. Neither one of them relished picking up what was left inside that bloodied hut but knew it probably was the honourable thing to do.

"Why don't you and Sango take Shippou somewhere else while Miroku and I take care of this," he said to the dark haired girl.

"Is it that bad?" Sango questioned Miroku.

"Yeah, it's not something you really want to see."

"Do you think a demon did it?" Kagome asked, thankful that the boys would do grave duty. She wasn't especially interested in seeing dead bodies although she had seen her share. She figured that what ever was in that hut must be pretty gruesome because Inuyasha had never stopped her from looking at the deceased before. She wasn't inclined to argue with him about it either.

"I don't know," Inuyasha answered. "I smell Sesshoumaru's scent here as well but I don't think he'd dirty his hands to do this." _He must have passed by here too and probably did the same thing we're doing, just investigating. Of course that bastard wouldn't take the time to bury dead humans._

"Sesshoumaru?" Sango questioned.

"Well I'm not going to worry about my stupid brother. Come on, Miroku, let's get this over with."

The girls took a complaining fox kit away who was arguing that he was old enough to see, while Miroku and Inuyasha gathered the various body parts and put them in one grave. They couldn't figure out what went where anyways. Miroku said a prayer over the grave as Kagome and Sango laid flowers on the mound of earth before the whole group again continued on their way.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Jaken, take Rin back to the castle. I wish to be alone for awhile," Sesshoumaru ordered his retainer.

"My lord…" Jaken replied, not sure if he should leave the inu demon on his own. He had been worried for the taiyoukai, last night was the fourth time he had seen his master disturbed by bad dreams. The toad had been shocked that such things could ever bother his lord.

"Do as I command," Sesshoumaru growled.

"Y-yes my lord," Jaken answered bowing low. He also knew that Sesshoumaru, as of late, had an extremely short fuse.

Rin came to her adopted father and put her little hand on his. "I'll miss you," she said, her dark eyes glassy with unshed tears. The only time she was ever sent to the castle was when her lord was going to be away for a long period of time and she hated to be apart from him. She too had been worried. Last night she had shaken her master awake from the nightmare that was plaguing him, frightened by the tears that had been wetting his cheeks.

Sesshoumaru had soothed the child and then decided that he needed to find out what all this was about. These dreams he was having almost every night were upsetting his calm, cold persona. What was worse was that, although he knew the dreams were unsettling, upon waking he could never remember a thing about them. He did not want his retainer and child to see him in such a state, so he planned to work though this problem on his own.

"I will miss you as well but we will be together soon," he intoned gently to the small girl. "Now go back to the castle and wait for me."

"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama," Rin responded dutifully.

"It's that damn hanyou's fault," Jaken grumbled as he led Ah-Un while Rin sat quietly on the dragons back.

"Did Inuyasha-sama make Sesshoumaru-sama sad?" she asked innocently.

"He must have done something. Lord Sesshoumaru should not trust that one and his humans."

The day before Sesshoumaru had left Jaken and Rin to track the spider he had ran into his brother. As of late the two siblings didn't fight as much as previously when they met and much to Jaken's dismay his lord actually talked to the half-breed in a civil manner.

The toad knew better than to complain about it, but it had irritated him that his master seemed to be tolerating the hanyou's presence more and more. At least Sesshoumaru had declined Inuyasha's offer to join his group. Jaken had smirked at the half-breed when Sesshoumaru had turned him down flat. However, his lord had promised to give his brother and his group any information on the elusive spider demon if he found any. Then he had left.

The night, when Sesshoumaru had again returned to them, was the first time Jaken even knew his lord could have nightmares. At first the toad was sure it had to be Naraku's doing but his lord had told him that he hadn't found him. The only other creature who would want to harm his master was his despicable younger brother.

"He probably had that damn monk put a spell on Lord Sesshoumaru," Jaken mumbled.

The servant youkai stumbled forward, oblivious to the tiny ears listening to his every word. Rin's eyes went large at the revelation; she knew that her lord and his brother did not get along well, although she had thought they were making a bit of progress lately. Her Sesshoumaru seemed more relaxed around the hanyou, more accepting, and he didn't get so upset about Inuyasha-sama having the Tetsusaiga anymore.

_Would Inuyasha-sama really put a spell on Lord Sesshoumaru? _the small girl asked herself.

Rin sat on the dragon, fretting about her lord's dilemma. Finally, she decided that the best course of action would be to go and find Inuyasha and his group and have him remove the spell if that was the case. Without asking Jaken's permission, she grabbed Ah-Un's reins from his grasp and kicked the dragon's ribs.

The two headed animal took flight with a surprised and infuriated toad yelling at the child and the beast to come back.

"I'll be back soon, Master Jaken," Rin called down from above. "I'm going to help Sesshoumaru-sama."

Jaken ran on the ground following the direction of the flying dragon cursing with every step.

"It's so hot," Shippou complained as the group walked along the dusty road. Everyone was feeling the heat of the day. The sun beat down on them without mercy and they were all sweaty and grimy.

"I believe there is a river near here," Miroku stated. "Perhaps a rest and a swim would make us all feel better."

"That sounds wonderful. Can we stop, Inuyasha?" Kagome asked.

The hanyou had been trying to act as if the heat was not bothering him, but soaking in cool water sounded damn good to him too. "Yeah, I guess you guys do need a break seeing as your weak humans after all."

Shippou rolled his eyes, he knew Inuyasha was as hot and miserable as the rest of them but would never admit it.

The group had just finished bathing and were now sitting under the trees that lined the bank waiting for the day to cool down before heading on their way when Shippou noticed a shape in the sky. "Hey, what's that?" he asked as he pointed above them.

Inuyasha looked up just as Kagome finished putting his thick hair up in a high pony tail to keep it off the back of his neck.

"That's Sesshoumaru's dragon," Miroku stated. The group rose to their feet a bit nervously wondering what Sesshoumaru could want with them. Although the two brothers rarely fought any longer, the group was still uneasy around the stoic taiyoukai.

"Isn't that Rin riding him?" Kagome questioned as the pair came closer into view. "I don't see Sesshoumaru at all."

"He wouldn't let the kid come by herself, he's gotta be around somewhere," Inuyasha stated as he sniffed for his brother's unique scent. He could not find it at all and he frowned slightly in confusion.

The dragon landed and the little girl got off, running over to bow low before Inuyasha. "Please take the spell off of Sesshoumaru-sama," she begged as she looked up at him with large, brown eyes full of pleading sadness.

"What are you talking about?" Inuyasha asked her, totally bewildered by her request.

"Master Jaken said you put a spell on Lord Sesshoumaru to make him sad and give him bad dreams." The little girl began to cry. "Why do you hate Sesshoumaru-sama so much?"

It was at this point that a bedraggled and panting green toad came up the road. "Rin, what are you doing? We have to get to the castle."

"What have you been telling her?" Inuyasha asked angrily, grabbing the toad by the front of his kimono.

"Let go of me!" Jaken squeaked, trying to disentangle the claws from his clothing.

Inuyasha shook him. "And what the hell is going on with my brother?" he continued, ignoring the struggles of his captive.

Jaken, who could be quite brave when he wanted to, took this opportunity to do so. He scowled at Inuyasha. "You should know; you must have done something to him," he said defiantly.

"I haven't done anything to him," Inuyasha returned not releasing the imp. "What's wrong with him?"

Jaken's temper cooled. As much as he didn't want to believe the half-demon, he could see that the hanyou was speaking the truth. He really didn't know what was going on. Now Jaken had to decide if he should tell him or not.

"He has very bad dreams," Rin spoke up after Kagome wiped the tears from her face. "He cries when he's sleeping."

Inuyasha dropped the toad who was upset that Rin had let the cat out of the bag. "Rin, you shouldn't tell them those things about our master," he scolded the child.

"Sesshoumaru has nightmares?" Miroku questioned, unsure whether to believe what he was hearing or not. "About what?"

"I don't know," the toad replied grumpily. Jaken sighed, deciding it wouldn't hurt now to tell them since Rin opened her big mouth first, besides there really wasn't much to tell. "He won't tell us."

Kagome stepped up to stand beside Inuyasha. "Do you want to talk to Sesshoumaru?" The young girl was as surprised as everyone else at hearing the news and she wanted to give Inuyasha the opportunity to help his brother if he wished to.

"Well I can tell you if he won't confide in me, his trusted servant, he certainly isn't going to tell any of you," Jaken returned huffily, sticking his nose in the air.

Inuyasha knew that the toad's words were probably true. His brother had far too much pride to tell them all what was bothering him, but maybe…

"I'll go alone," Inuyasha stated. "If he won't tell me I'll come right back and the hell with him." _What the hell could make Sesshoumaru have nightmares? _He wondered.

"Do you think that's wise? I mean you and Sesshoumaru don't see eye to eye. He's not likely to open up to you, Inuyasha," Miroku counselled. He didn't want to hurt the hanyou's feelings but even though Sesshoumaru didn't seem to want to kill him didn't mean he wouldn't if he was aggravated enough.

"Like I said if he doesn't want me around I'll come right back." Inuyasha secretly hoped that maybe he and his brother could come to some kind of an understanding. He was, after all, his only kin and since Sesshoumaru seemed not to want their father's sword any longer, he had hoped that they might at least work together to defeat Naraku. And after that…well he didn't want to voice what he longed for in case he tempted fate.

"It's your funeral," Jaken responded with a shrug. "In any case we have to get to the castle. Rin it's time to go now."

The little girl nodded and mounted the demon dragon. Jaken again took the reins holding them much tighter than he had before. "Thank you, Inuyasha-sama for helping Lord Sesshoumaru," she called out with a smile as the toad walked down the road towards the west.


	3. Chapter 3

Portions of this chapter were inspired by the song "Welcome to my Life" by Simple Plan

Chapter 3

Sesshoumaru sat under the tree, pondering the roots of his disturbing dreams. He realized that they had started right after he had come upon those men and that little girl. _Is it because I killed them? I've killed humans before without incident. _Sesshoumaru could kill with a smile, if he wished to smile, without an instant of remorse. He was a pro._ That cannot be the problem and that little girl was unharmed so why…?_

The demon lord sat and reflected upon that incident that had set all this in motion. He tried to remember the dreams, but nothing note worthy came to him. He remembered a set of stairs, a large field of tall grass and a place that smelled of water and mold, but none of these things in themselves seemed threatening to him. He sighed and put his head in his hand. _I do not understand why I cannot remember more about those dreams. I am a demon, I should have perfect recall._ As he sat there he realized that he really didn't remember much of his childhood either. There seemed to be large gaps missing and he furrowed his brows in concentration trying to fill in the blanks.

"**_Come and play_**," a voice from the past spoke out in his mind.

Sesshoumaru's head snapped up and his heart picked up speed.

"**_See the new game, little one_**?"

The demon lord stood quickly, his eyes wide. _What is that…where did this come from?_ He knew he had heard those words when he was small but for the life of him he could not remember who had said them or why he suddenly felt like he wanted to run and never stop.

It was coming dusk when Inuyasha finally picked up the scent of his brother. He stopped, sniffing the air in confusion. Something was wrong. His brother's scent had the unmistakable air of nervousness surrounding it. He picked up speed, leaping from tree to tree thinking that perhaps his brother was in some kind of danger. What it was that could possibly be endangering to his almost invincible sibling he had no idea, but he felt the need to hurry.

_Inuyasha? What is he doing here,_ Sesshoumaru thought, perplexed by the sudden scent of the hanyou. The demon lord turned just as something landed in front of him, descending from one of the many trees. Sesshoumaru's heart leapt into his throat. _Father!_ He took a step back and Inuyasha smelt the unmistakable odour of fear emanating off his brother.

_What the hell? _ Inuyasha got into a defensive posture turning his head from side to side and sniffing the air trying to pick up the cause of his brother's distress. He pulled the Tetsusaiga from its sheath and allowed it to transform into its full size. He was so busy trying to figure out where the threat was coming from that he totally ignored his brother who was holding his chest and gasping for air.

Sesshoumaru closed his eyes tightly as he tried to bring a semblance of control back over himself. Realizing that it was his brother in front of him and not his dead father, he slowly relaxed. The pony tail that Inuyasha sported had confused the taiyoukai for a moment when he had landed so quickly in front of him. "Why are you wearing you're hair like that," he demanded.

"What?" Inuyasha questioned still trying to figure out what the hell was going on. He realized that the scent of fear was dissipating from his brother's aura. _Was it me? Did I just frighten him?_

Sesshoumaru, for reasons he couldn't understand, began to get angry. "Your hair, take it out of that tie," he ordered.

"What the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with my hair and what the fuck do you care what it looks like?" Inuyasha put his sword away and glared at his brother.

Sesshoumaru stepped forward and grabbed at the band holding his brother's hair up in the style of their father's, pulling it from the hanyou's tresses. Inuyasha caught his wrist in a failed attempt to stop him. Soon the two demon siblings were grappling with one other.

Normally Sesshoumaru would have easily bested his younger and weaker sibling but he was not quite himself at the moment. Seeing his opportunity, Inuyasha attacked and got in a lucky shot, sending the demon hurling into the side of a large tree.

Sesshoumaru felt arms encircling him as Inuyasha tried to throw him to the ground and something clicked in his memory. He completely froze as the vision took hold of him:

Something was holding him tight and wouldn't let him go. He was struggling and begging to be set free. "**_I've_** **_got you now_**," he heard a voice whisper in his ear. "**_You like this, don't you_**?" And then there were large hands touching him in places he didn't want to be touched, making him wish those places didn't exist.

Inuyasha had just unknowingly pushed Sesshoumaru over the limit of stress of what his mind was able to handle at the moment and he felt his brother stiffen and freeze in his grip. He loosened his bear hug when he heard the demon lord whimper and smelled the scent of absolute terror spike in the air around him.

"Sesshoumaru, what's wrong?" he asked completely releasing his sibling, his anger completely gone. He had never heard his brother whimper before. To say he was shocked would have been an understatement.

Sesshoumaru slumped to the ground trying to forget the ghostly feel of those hands on his body. His eyes were completely blank as he tried to push back this memory that he didn't want. His body responded to the over stimulation in a most peculiar way.

Inuyasha crouched down beside his brother and shook him by the shoulders. "Sesshoumaru, hey, what's with you?" he called out.

"Inuyasha – Hic. Let go of me - Hic," the demon lord stated as he forced the vision from his mind.

Inuyasha released his shoulders and gawked at his brother in further amazement. _Since when do demons get hiccups?_ the hanyou asked himself.

Sesshoumaru stood and began to walk away, feeling quite out of sorts and embarrassed that he couldn't stop hiccupping. The fight from just a few moments ago completely forgotten.

"Hey, where are you going?" Inuyasha asked, following along behind. _What the hell is going on with him?_

Sesshoumaru stopped and stood in confusion for a moment. "I do not – hic - know," he finally answered then began to walk away again. As he walked along though the forest with his younger sibling tagging along behind, another memory surfaced for him. He remembered he used to get the hiccups a lot when he was younger and he also remembered what he used to do to get rid of them.

Totally ignoring Inuyasha, he soon found what he was looking for. He crawled under the low branches of the tall tree until he was completely hidden from view from the outside world. Instantly he was soothed and his hiccups stopped. He closed his eyes, further dissociating himself and slowly fell into a state of benumbed calm.

Inuyasha stood outside of Sesshoumaru's impromptu hiding place at a total loss. He couldn't understand what was causing his lordly brother to act in such a way. He sat on the ground and called out to his sibling but received no answer. The hanyou crept closer and pulled apart the branches to see his brother lying quietly on his side with his eyes closed.

"Go away," Sesshoumaru stated icily before Inuyasha could ask him anything. He did not open his eyes. He was beginning to feel more like himself but just wanted to stay here for awhile longer. It was so peaceful and calming to his frayed nerves. He decided he had had enough of trying to remember things for now.

_What difference does it make if I cannot remember my childhood? It has no bearing on me now. It is better not to think about it._ He told himself. _These dreams are just that, only dreams. They cannot hurt me so I have nothing to fear._

Sesshoumaru began to feel better and better the more he thought logically about it. After about forty minutes of lying unmoving under the tent of branches he opened his eyes and crept out. His brother was still there sitting across from where he was, his back against the tree he was sitting at.

Sesshoumaru stared coldly at the hanyou. "Why are you still here? I told you to leave me alone."

"Not until you tell me what the hell all that was about," the hanyou returned. His earlier anger had given way to worry for his brother. Something was so totally off with the taiyoukai that there was no way Inuyasha was going to leave him alone. They may not be the best of friends, but Sesshoumaru was still his brother and he refused to abandon him in the midst of a problem.

"I owe you no explanation," Sesshoumaru spat. The sky was getting quite dark and the stress of what had happened earlier began to catch up with the demon lord. He was tired and just wanted to be alone so he could relax and try to get some much needed sleep.

Sesshoumaru had always preferred to sleep alone. He hated knowing there were others around that could be watching him or maybe take advantage of him when he was unawares. This just caused him not to be able to sleep at all. He never worried about Rin or Jaken as they were absolutely no threat to him, but his brother was another matter.

"Maybe I could help," Inuyasha offered quietly.

"I doubt that," the demon lord answered haughtily. "Nor do I want your so called help." Sesshoumaru was surprised his brother would even care about him and felt a bit touched that he was offering to help him with something the demon lord didn't even know how to deal with. He, of course, was not going to let Inuyasha know that, but he did stay his sword which he had been close to unsheathing.

Inuyasha scowled. "You've got real trust issues, you know that. I thought that...well…that we were getting along better," the hanyou stated, looking down at the pebbles he was playing with in his fingers.

"Just because I have not tried to kill you in awhile does not mean that I am ready to embrace a halfling as my brother."

"It always comes down to that shit with you doesn't it?" Inuyasha bit back. "Well like it or not I am your brother so deal with it." Inuyasha began to get really angry. He had had enough of Sesshoumaru's better than thou attitude. All of the pent up hurt and anger he had always felt about his brother's jeers came pouring forth from him.

"You've never had to feel out of place, like you just don't belong anywhere. You have no idea of what it's like to be me. Everyone is always pushing you around just because you're different. I didn't ask to be born this way. I'm sick of everyone trying to drag me down. I'm just as good as anyone, including you. You've had it lucky, everyone has always given you what you wanted. You've never had to work for it, it was always there.

Inuyasha had to stop. He had his hands fisted at his side and he was shaking in anger, tears of bitterness were stinging the back of his eyes. With a growl he turned and began to walk away. _He'll never understand how hurt and lost I felt. Why did he leave me out in the dark? Dammit! _The tears that had been threatening to fall slid slowly down his cheeks. _I just want him to be my brother._

Sesshoumaru was a bit stunned by his brother's outburst and a new feeling began to course though him. Guilt. He was unsure of what the hanyou meant to him, but there was something there. He had had numerous opportunities to kill him if he had really wished it but he had never followed though on them. He didn't even understand himself why he hadn't.

"Do not presume to know what my life was like," he stated after the retreating back of his hanyou brother. _I do not even know myself._

Inuyasha stopped and looked back over his shoulder, intending to say something scathing until he saw the lost look in his brother's eyes. He realized at that moment that Sesshoumaru had just let his defensive attitude down and had exposed himself to him, even if it had been unwittingly.

"Well, maybe I would if you'd tell me," Inuyasha returned.

Realizing what he had done, Sesshoumaru once again erected the walls of emotional ice around himself and stood staring blandly at his brother. The thought of having the hanyou know how frightened and weak he had begun to feel lately was more than he could bear. "I cannot," he replied and turned his back on the half-demon.

"Fine then," Inuyasha snarled and started back down the path towards his friends, completely missing the fact that his demon brother had said 'cannot' instead of 'will not'.

Sesshoumaru continued in the opposite direction heading for one of his old campsites. It occurred to him that it wasn't that he didn't want Inuyasha to know about him. No, it was something else. It was because there was so much he couldn't recall. _How do you tell someone you do not remember your life? He would never believe me. Besides, those that get close to you can hurt you._ Sesshoumaru didn't know why he held this philosophy close to his heart, but he did know that hidden somewhere in his dreams was the reason why he could never have the luxury of trust.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The young inu was playing in the bathing room in the large castle. He was having a good time happily splashing away in the wooden tub until he noticed a large, dark shape unflatten itself from the outside wall. The boy was curious and got out of the tub to press his face close to the slits in the wall and look out. The monster stood there; he was grinning. The child scooted back, his heart pounding in his chest and grabbed a towel to cover his naked body. How had he not known that the monster was here? The young boy never went to the bathroom if he knew that the monster was around. The monster was always watching, waiting for a chance to gobble up the boy.

"Sesshoumaru, wake up," Inuyasha yelled, shaking his brother.

The taiyoukai bolted upright, still half asleep and in the grip of the nightmare. He slashed out with his claws, ripping into his brother's shoulder. The hanyou yelped as the poison burned deep into his flesh.

"Damn it, Sesshoumaru. That fucking hurts." Inuyasha held his bleeding shoulder as his brother groggily came back to the land of reality.

Sesshoumaru took one look at his sibling in surprise. _I thought he left, why is he here?_ "Let me see it," he stated as he pulled the cloth away from the wound. The demon lord was so busy with assessing the damage that the odd sensation of being locked in that nightmare quickly vanished.

"It is not as bad as it looks," he informed the hanyou thinking that Inuyasha would soon heal on his own.

Inuyasha began to feel a bit like he was drunk. His head began to swim and things began to lose focus. "I don feel s-s-sho good," he slurred before he passed out into his brother's lap.

Sesshoumaru stiffened at the contact of another body against his own, panic beginning to creep out from beneath his tightly controlled emotions. He realized that he needed to keep himself together if he was going to help his sibling, feeling surprised that he did want to help him and not just let the poison take his life. The taiyoukai bit into his arm and let the blood from his body pour over the wounds on his brother's shoulder.

Soon the wound began to heal and after a few minutes it closed completely. Inuyasha blinked his eyes open. He was still lying in his older brother's lap. "Ungh, what happened?" he asked feeling a bit odd, his skin was feeling hot and prickly.

"You will be fine in a few moments," Sesshoumaru answered him, pushing his brother away from him into a sitting position, grateful that the uncomfortable feeling of having another touch him was leaving. "I did not realize that your human blood would interfere so much in your healing ability."

Inuyasha frowned but then realized that Sesshoumaru had not been trying to insult him. He really hadn't known. "You fixed me?" he asked in surprise.

"The attack was unintentional; the proper thing would be to aid you." Sesshoumaru returned calmly. "Why are you here?"

"Look, I know there's something wrong, and damn it, I'm not going to leave you alone. Why won't you just let me help you," Inuyasha grumbled.

"I do not need anyone's help, least of all yours. Now leave." Sesshoumaru began to growl out a warning. His brother was just pushing too hard and the taiyoukai was about to put him in his place if he didn't stop pestering him.

"You're a cold bastard I'll give you that. Doesn't it matter to you that I care what happens to you?" Inuyasha hadn't quite meant to blurt that out, but he was so damned frustrated with the coldness of his sibling. Any time he had looked at the demon lord, his eyes were utterly devoid of human emotion. The hanyou knew that his brother could kill without a second thought but sometimes he looked as if the loss of his own life would concern him even less. In the taiyoukai's whole attitude there was not a shred of humanity.

"It is not in my nature to care about anything or anyone, having no scruples, morals or other impediments," Sesshoumaru answered him, his voice laced with disdain.

"That's total bullshit," Inuyasha fired back at him. "What about Rin?"

Sesshoumaru frowned. He did care for the child, a great deal. "I have no intention of explaining myself to you," he growled back, not wanting to admit that the hanyou was right on this account. "Why do you even care? I have done nothing to warrant any kindness from you. I have tried to kill you; you have cut off my arm. Why now? What do you want from me?" Sesshoumaru's voice had risen in volume as he had spoken and he had all but shouted the last question.

Inuyasha was shocked by the intensity of emotion he could sense behind that question. If his brother's eyes had bothered him before because of their lack of any emotion, the ones looking at him now bothered him even more because of their lack of hope. They were empty, as if the life had been drained out of them. But behind those empty eyes lay both the desire for love and the death of all expectation for it.

"Sesshoumaru," the inu teen whispered. "What the hell has happened to you?"

The taiyoukai quickly shoved his emotions back down and calmed himself. He was disturbed that he couldn't seem to contain his feelings as well as he had before all this business of the dreams had started. _What are they trying to tell me?_ he thought.

Sesshoumaru was torn between pushing his brother away and allowing him to stay. Perhaps the hanyou could in some way help him figure out what was going on. Trying on his own was getting him nowhere. In fact, it was making him crazy. A small part, deep inside himself wanted the hanyou around - had always wanted to have the half-demon accept him. This part, unbeknownst even to the demon lord, took the opportunity to help decide the matter.

"If you are so determined to help me as you say, then you may stay, but I will not be your caretaker. You will hunt on your own and you will be expected to keep up with me. I will not wait for you nor give you breaks if you are tired."

"I can keep up, don't worry about me," Inuyasha replied indignantly.

"And you will not eat in my presence," Sesshoumaru ordered. There were some things that had always bothered the demon lord and he had never questioned them: sitting in chairs, having the bed clothes near his face and being touched in any manner. But the worst was the sound of anyone slobbering. Masticating and chewing noises held the power to disturb his subconscious mind greatly enough to cause overt eruptions of anger. He would not even allow Rin to eat with him.

Inuyasha looked at his brother angrily. _What a pompous ass._ "Yes, your lordship," he answered sarcastically instead.

"You will give me the proper respect or you can leave right now," Sesshoumaru ground out, grabbing his brother by the front of his haori.

Inuyasha thought about doing just that. _I don't need this shit from him, let him deal with his problems on his own if that's the way he wants to be._ His brother released him and began to walk away. Sesshoumaru didn't look back to see if Inuyasha was coming or not, figuring that more than likely he would just head back to his friends. He felt surprise and some relief when he heard the padding of bare feet behind him.

Sesshoumaru was floating above a field of tall grass that was vaguely familiar to him. He knew he was dreaming, but the dream, so far, was not unpleasant. The sun was bright and warm and he somehow knew that the grass still had some of the morning dew clinging to it, making it pleasantly damp.

The demon lord could see a small boy running through the grass. _That's me,_ he thought lazily from his vantage point high above. The inu boy seemed to be playing a game, hide and seek perhaps. It was in that moment that Sesshoumaru realized that the child wasn't playing. He really was trying to find a place to hide. Something was chasing him through the tall vegetation.

Sesshoumaru couldn't see what it was but he could see the grass moving and parting behind the pup. The demon lord continued to watch as his younger self ran panting and gasping through the field. Up above in his position of safety he felt immune, impervious, deadened; totally removed from it all.

The young demon looked ahead and saw a large wagon, used to bring in the hay when it was cut. The grass covered it half-way up its side and if he could crawl under there, the monster wouldn't see him. The older demon watched as the pup made a beeline for the hay wagon. _Not there, _Sesshoumaru thought, beginning to feel fear creeping into his cocoon of indifference. _Don't go there._

Inuyasha watched helplessly as his sibling thrashed on the ground, gripped in the nightmare he was having. The hanyou didn't want to get too close. He could see the venom dripping off his brother's hand, melting holes into the ground where ever he touched it. He did not relish getting slashed by those claws again.

"Sesshoumaru, wake up!" he yelled, hoping to get though. Getting no response he picked up a moderately sized rock and chucked it at his brother, hitting him square on the shoulder.

Sesshoumaru jumped to his feet, panting and gasping. His head snapped around in circles as if he was looking for someone. Inuyasha was shocked at the terror that was evident in his brother's features.

"Sesshoumaru, it's okay. You were just dreaming," Inuyasha called out from a safe distance. His own heart had picked up speed in sympathy with the anxiety he could feel emanating off his brother. _What in the hell could cause him to be so afraid. I thought nothing could scare him. And he was so caught up in that dream I couldn't get him to wake up. This is just too damned weird._

Sesshoumaru sat down; closing his eyes he took in a few deep breaths. _Just a dream, it wasn't real, _he repeated over and over in his mind.

Inuyasha came and sat down beside him when he knew Sesshoumaru had calmed down. "You okay?"

"Yes," Sesshoumaru answered, back in control once again.

"What did you mean when you said, 'don't go there'. You were calling that out over and over."

Sesshoumaru was still uncomfortable at the thought of telling his younger brother his dream. He actually remembered this one for a change. He sat silently looking out into the forest as the sun rose and brightened the day.

"I can't help if you don't tell me," Inuyasha informed his brother matter of factly. "Tell me what you remember."

Sesshoumaru haltingly told his brother about the dream. He never once looked Inuyasha in the eye and the hanyou stayed silent and respectful until his brother had finished, understanding that this was hard for the demon lord to say.

"That sounds like a normal nightmare. Kids always think there's a monster chasing after them. I've had dreams like that myself," Inuyasha told his brother.

"Inuyasha, I am no longer a child. Why would I have such a dream now?"

Inuyasha frowned. "I don't know. Are you sure it was just a dream?"

Sesshoumaru looked at his brother out of the corner of his eyes as if he had gone daft. "There are no such things as monsters. How could that have been real?"

Even as the taiyoukai denied his monster, he had the sinking feeling that it had been more than a dream, that it was something that had really happened to him long ago. That field was one he recognized. It was the field just outside the castle grounds that the villagers kept for his father. He remembered playing there many times.

But what had actually happened? All he knew was that he had had a sense of foreboding when he saw his younger self run to hide under that wagon. Something had happened under it but he had been awoken before he had gotten that far in the dream. Sighing, he felt a great sense of relief that his brother had rescued him from that nightmare. He had the feeling he wasn't ready to deal with anymore revelations at the moment.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Are you always such a pompous ass?" Inuyasha asked his brother with a frown.

"Are you always such an irritating flea?" Sesshoumaru shot back at him. "I told you I was not going to wait for you. We rested just a few hours ago."

"That was seven hours ago, you bastard. What? Do you intend to walk around the whole night long?"

Inuyasha was frustrated beyond belief. He had been following his brother around now for a week and all Sesshoumaru did was walk around the western lands like a ghost haunting its favourite grounds. He would occasionally stop in some village or another to conduct some business and then be on the move again. The hanyou never knew anyone that walked so much in his life.

The argument started when Inuyasha had wanted to stop in the last village they had passed through. He was tired and hungry and just wanted a warm futon to lie on. His older brother had other ideas. He had wanted to continue on into the forest; partly because of being uncomfortable sleeping with so many others around and partly because he wanted to irritate his younger sibling.

Sesshoumaru too was tired but that was exactly what he wanted to be. He pushed himself to the limits so he could fall into an exhausted, dreamless sleep. He had not had any dreams since that last one and had decided that not dreaming, not remembering would be a good thing.

"What is your problem with being around people?" Inuyasha asked irritably as he continued to follow his brother away from the town.

"I cannot relate properly to others. I cannot be like them. I am a demon lord without feelings or emotions and you expect a degree of responsiveness from me that I cannot give."

Inuyasha stayed quiet and thought about what his brother had just said. It was true; Sesshoumaru never seemed to care about anything or anyone, with the exception of the little human girl that travelled with him. He never showed happiness, sadness, affection or any other normal reactions. The only emotions Inuyasha had ever seen was anger or contempt and just lately, fear. _Now why is that? _he thought curiously.

The half-demon had been around other full demons and he knew that they had the same emotions as humans. He had seen love, joy, desire, empathy and various other feelings being expressed from others. Why not his brother? Was he so different from them? Did he really feel nothing as he always said?

Sesshoumaru took a quick glance behind him at his now quiet brother. He could see the hanyou was thinking about something and turned back around, thankful for some peace.

He was heading to a waterfall where he had camped at times in the past. It was secluded and easily defended in the event of attack. There was a nice, cosy cave hidden behind the falls where he always kept provisions at. This was actually one of the taiyoukai's favourite rest stops. He enjoyed relaxing in the pool of water at the bottom of the falls. The water was cool but not cold and the cave was warm and comforting. This was the first time he had ever taken another to this place and in the back of his mind he hoped his brother would like it.

Inuyasha was so busy pondering why his older brother was so closed off all the time that he didn't notice when he had stopped in front of him. The inu hanyou ploughed nose first into his brother's back.

"We are here," Sesshoumaru stated moving to the side so Inuyasha could see the tall waterfall cascading down into the pool below.

"Wow," Inuyasha gasped. He stood for a moment taking in the impressive view and then ran to catch up to his brother as Sesshoumaru walked down a narrow path towards the falls. He followed his sibling behind the water and into the cave behind it.

"We will rest here," Sesshoumaru said. He walked over to the fire pit in the center of the cave and lit the wood that had been here from the last time he had visited.

"This is really nice," Inuyasha complimented. He looked around, noticing that the cave was well supplied with dry food stuffs. There were also towels, blankets, candles and various other items. As he checked out the back corner of the cave he saw a huge futon with a few large pillows thrown on it. "Come her often do you?" he asked his older brother curiously.

"Not often but occasionally," the demon lord responded. Sesshoumaru had the fire going very nicely and the smoke disappeared up and out of the cave from a hole in the ceiling. The taiyoukai stood and removed his armour and fur pelt then went to leave the cave.

"Hey, where are you going?" Inuyasha asked. He looked surprised for a moment at how casual his brother looked without that armour. This was the first time the hanyou had ever seen him without it. He didn't look near as daunting as he normally did. _He looks…kinda…nice,_ the half-demon thought. He shook his head to clear it of this strange idea.

"To hunt. If you want anything to eat I suggest you do the same." Sesshoumaru disappeared out the door and into the forest.

_You could get me something too since you're going anyways,_ Inuyasha grumped at his brother in his mind. The hanyou sighed and then left to find something as well.

Inuyasha smirked triumphantly when he returned and found he had gotten his meal first. His brother was still gone, so he stoked up the fire a bit more and began to cook the small rabbit he had captured and cleaned before coming back to the cave. By the time he had finished eating, he was beginning to get concerned. Sesshoumaru still had not returned and he began to wonder if his brother had just gone off, leaving Inuyasha to himself. _That can't be right, his armour and that furry thing are still here, _he thought as he noticed them hanging on a homemade form off to the side. _He certainly wouldn't leave that here. _

He reached out and touched the fur boa wondering exactly what it was and why his brother always carried it with him. He brushed his fingers though the soft fur thinking that the thing must just get in the way at the same time as he thought how absolutely wonderful the hair on it felt as he let the short stands slip though his fingers. He had the urge to put it on and he might have given into that impulse if Sesshoumaru hadn't entered the doorway empty handed.

"No luck hunting?" Inuyasha teased, quickly removing his hand from the thick fur of the pelt before his brother could see him.

"I've already eaten," the demon lord returned. "You've finished your meal I assume."

"You've already eaten? Didn't you cook it?"

"No," Sesshoumaru answered.

"What did you start the fire for if you were going to eat it raw?" Inuyasha questioned, feeling a bit grossed out at the thought of eating raw meat. Then a bizarre thought went through his head: did his brother actually do something nice for him?

"Did you start the fire for me?" he asked. He was never going to understand his older brother if he kept this up.

"Do not be foolish," Sesshoumaru scoffed. "The night will be cold, the fire is for warmth. It is not my concern if you wanted to cook over it."

Inuyasha gave a small grin. _Maybe you do have some emotions in there after all. _The hanyou began to strip off his haori and shatsu, tossing the items carelessly to the floor as he headed towards the back of the cave and that very comfortable looking futon.

"What are you doing?" Sesshoumaru questioned with irritation, picking up the discarded clothing.

"I'm tired, I'm going to bed," the hanyou answered as he flopped down on the mattress. He was surprised at how soft it was.

"Get out. That's my bed," Sesshoumaru ordered. He had followed Inuyasha and was now standing over him with his hand on his hip after putting his brother's haori and shatsu on a rock by the futon.

"What? There's enough room for both of us. Stop being an ass." Inuyasha frowned and grabbed the blanket, wrapping it around him. There was no way he was going to sleep on the cave floor.

Sesshoumaru stood over his brother and growled. He had never slept with anyone before and didn't want to start now. He almost reached out and pulled his brother, who was ignoring his blustering, from the bed. Instead, he sighed and returned to the fire. He actually was a bit afraid to go to sleep. So far the dreams had stayed away, but that didn't mean they would continue to do so.

Inuyasha rolled over and looked at his brother who was sitting by the fire silently staring into the flames. "Come on, Sesshoumaru. The futon is big, we can share it," he said gently.

Sesshoumaru remained by the fire. He was tired and he didn't relish sleeping on the cave floor any more than Inuyasha did. _I suppose it would do no harm, _he thought, glancing over.

Inuyasha saw him look over and he pulled the blanket back and moved over.

The demon lord stood and removed his own boots, haori and shatsu and then lay down on the bed taking his half of the blanket. He was over as far as he could get from his brother, laying on the very edge of the futon, a hairs breadth from falling off of it.

Inuyasha just sighed and rolled over, turning his back to his brother and fell asleep almost instantly. All the trekking had wore him out.

Sesshoumaru stayed awake for another hour feeling unaccustomly nervous. He also lay on his side with his back to the hanyou. Finally, sleep claimed him as well.

It was still very dark out when Inuyasha began to wake. He was still half asleep and he was snuggled into something warm. The scent of his brother wafted around him and he found himself strangely comforted and began to drift back into oblivion.

Sesshoumaru lay on his side, his eyes wide open, his heart pounding in his chest. His brother was cuddled up behind him with his hand resting on the demon lord's hip. He could feel the hanyous breath caressing against the back of his shoulder. This was causing a memory to surface in the taiyoukai's mind, one he didn't want to explore, but one that demanded his attention.

Inuyasha's eyes opened quickly and his senses snapped to attention before he could fully fall back asleep. There was an aura of fear in the air that was so strong it was almost suffocating.

"Sesshoumaru?" he questioned, moving his hand up to his brother's chest.

He could easily feel his brother's heart pounding inside his chest as if it was a bird beating itself against the bars of a cage. The scent of blood began to fill his nostrils. The half-demon pulled his brother onto his back.

Sesshoumaru's eyes were squeezed tightly shut, his breathing hissing out between his clenched teeth. He had his hand fisted so hard that blood oozed from where his claws had punctured his palm. Inuyasha knew that his brother wasn't sleeping so therefore couldn't be dreaming, but he couldn't figure out what was wrong either.

"Sesshoumaru, what's wrong? Tell me what's going on, "the hanyou demanded, looking into the face of his brother. Sesshoumaru still had his eyes shut and his hand clenched tight. Inuyasha began to shake his older brother when he got no response.

"Come on, snap out of it," he almost yelled beginning to become extremely nervous and a bit frightened himself to see his normally strong, demon brother showing so much fear.

"Let go…get away," Sesshoumaru ordered between gasps.

Inuyasha scooted away and watched as his brother brought himself under control. The demon lord sat up and unclenched his had looking at the deep wounds he had given himself. Inuyasha could see he was trying hard to put on his cold exterior, so he sat and waited for his brother to regain his equilibrium.

"I remember every night seemed like this," Sesshoumaru spoke hesitantly. "It was dark like this, the whole castle asleep. I would keep my eyes shut tight, not opening them for anything until morning. Still, I could not shut my ears and I would hear the creak of a floorboard, a soft footstep. I remember the total fright; the fear squeezed my heart the whole night making the sweat pour off me. Then I would feel a presence in that dark bedroom, the hand following my body under the covers, pausing, resting…" Sesshoumaru trailed off into silence still looking at his hand that was slowly healing.

Inuyasha was looking at his brother totally aghast. "What are you saying?" he asked quietly, afraid of the answer he would receive.

"Someone…someone was in my room, in my bed, touching me. I didn't want them there. I didn't want them touching me there," Sesshoumaru replied almost in a whisper.

"Who?" Inuyasha questioned. He wanted to hug his brother, to comfort him, but was afraid to cause him to be more upset than he was. The hanyou's ears were pinned to his head in anxiety as he realized that it had probably been him touching his brother that had caused this flashback.

"I do not know." Sesshoumaru lifted his head and Inuyasha sucked in a breath at the haunted look now visible in his brother's eyes. "But it was real, it happened," he finished.

"We'll figure this out," Inuyasha stated firmly. With all his heart he wanted to help his brother. He never wanted to see that look in his eyes again.


	6. Chapter 6

**WARNING! This chapter contains scenes of child sexual abuse that may be disturbing to some readers.**

Chapter 6

"No," Sesshoumaru stated firmly. His brother had just asked if the others of his group could join them.

"Come on, they might be able to help you with this. Miroku is a monk he knows all about meditation and shit. He might be able to help you remember more."

"No," Sesshoumaru repeated, "and if you ask again you can go back to them."

Inuyasha frowned in annoyance as his sibling turned his back to him. The two were sitting in the pool below the falls. It was another hot day and the brother's were enjoying the cool water. That was until Inuyasha had suggested that his group be made aware of Sesshoumaru's problem.

Sesshoumaru was trying hard to keep himself distanced from his brother. He was beginning to enjoy having the hanyou around but was afraid that this peace between them wasn't going to last. _Affection is dangerous. Affection is always followed by pain, _the taiyoukai thought as he leaned back into the water. _He'll leave. He'll go back to his friends and leave me alone._

Even as these new feelings of tenderness and fondness for the hanyou were sneaking past his defences and into his heart, the demon lord was afraid to love his own brother. To Sesshoumaru, love was completely unrecognizable and therefore unattainable. He actually felt completely unworthy of it and he began to feel depressed at his own thoughts.

Inuyasha dived into the pool hoping to clear his head. He had been shocked at what his brother had told him last night. Someone had done things, bad things to his brother when he was younger. He popped up out of the water, taking in a large breath of air. He had made it all the way across the pool and he sat on the other side looking towards the demon lord that was sitting so enigmatically. _I just can't understand why someone would want to do those things to a kid. Maybe if he remembered who it was he could deal with it better._

Sesshoumaru hadn't gone into detail as to what had transpired in that room so long ago and Inuyasha hoped it wasn't more than touching as his brother had said. He could understand why the taiyoukai didn't want to talk about it. He sure wouldn't either if someone had fondled him when he was a kid.

_Well maybe if I can't bring them here I'll go back for a bit and see what advice Kagome or Miroku can give me. _His mind made up he swam back over to his brother to let him know he was going back for a few days.

"I just want to check on them, make sure everything is okay and then I'll come back," Inuyasha informed his brother.

"I forbid you to tell them about me," Sesshoumaru ordered sternly.

Inuyasha looked his brother right in the eye and lied. "You have my word, I won't tell them anything." _Sorry Sesshoumaru but if I'm going to help I need advice on how to do that._

Sesshoumaru prowled around the cave feeling somewhat lonely. He had gotten so used to his brother's presence and chattering that the silence now was almost deafening to him. _This was a mistake. I never should have allowed him to accompany me. Perhaps this is best, once he is with his friends he will probably stay with them anyways._

The thought that Inuyasha might not return began to upset him. The fact that he was even allowing it to bother him was even more irritating. _This will not do, I have never depended on anyone and I refuse to do so now._ With his mind made up, Sesshoumaru left the cave to head to another of his stopovers, covering his scent as he went.

Miroku sat and looked at his friend in total shock. He could not believe what he had just been told.

"Jeeze, say something," Inuyasha said. "I really need some help with this." He had taken Miroku aside earlier that evening, feeling more comfortable telling him than the miko girl. He figured Miroku may be more help with this anyways. What ever could Kagome know of something so vile?

"I don't know what to say. No wonder he's been having nightmares," Miroku finally answered. "But I'm not sure of what kind of counsel to give you."

"Do you think it would help if he knew who did that to him? I don't want to push him too hard. It's so weird to see him that way; vulnerable, lost. I just don't want to make it worse."

"I don't believe I'm going to say this, but probably just being there and listening to him is a help," Miroku stated. He was certainly surprised that Sesshoumaru had opened up to the hanyou and was hoping that finally the two could become friends and brothers. Something he knew his friend wanted very badly but wouldn't admit to. "I wouldn't push him too hard though. I have a feeling there is more involved than you know about for him to have such strong reactions."

"You think? Kami I hope not," Inuyasha sighed. Ever since he had slept beside his brother, breathing in his scent, a feeling of belonging, of being truly connected to another had come over him. He didn't want to lose that and even though he thought what had happened in his brothers past was awful, he was glad it gave him an opportunity to get to know him, to prove that he could be an important part of his life.

The two friends began to discuss other matters as they headed back to the village where the two girls and Shippou were waiting for them.

Sesshoumaru was back in the field of grass. This time, however, he was not floating above immune to what was going on. This time he was that young boy heading for the wagon.

The inu pup crawled under, hugging his knees to his chest and breathing hard. The monster was coming, but surely he wouldn't be able to find him here. He was wrong.

The monster crawled beside him, whispering soothingly, cajoling smoothly. Sesshoumaru could not see the man's face but his large hand was on his smaller one, then his arm, then his thigh. The monsters hand slowly caressed higher, to his crotch.

Sesshoumaru felt his kimono being opened, it wouldn't stay closed. The future demon lord kept pulling it shut but he couldn't stop what was happening. "**_I don't like this_**," his small, young voice whimpered at the monster.

"**_It's okay, sssh. Touch it, touch it_**," the being under the wagon told him as he squatted, unleashing his manhood to let it move and swell in front of the child. The monster's voice was encouraging and gentle. The young Sesshoumaru took the growing appendage in his hands and began to stroke it, hearing the sighs, moans and words of praise coming from the faceless man. After awhile he stopped the boy and then placed him above him so that the swollen member abraded the inu pups flesh in that one particular virgin opening.

"**_No_**," Sesshoumaru's voice quavered as fear began to grip his heart again.

"**_Be still, it will be fine, you'll like this_**," the voice rumbled. Large hands pushed his small body down onto the organ.

An eerie far off wailing sound started to sound in the boys ears. At first it was a moan and then the keen of an animal trapped in the woods. As the young lord screamed at the pain of his first penetration, so too did the adult lord wake to the sounds of those same screams coming from his throat. Not just from the remembered pain but also because, just before he had awoken soaked in his own sweat, he had finally seen the face of his tormentor.

_Father! It was his smell in my nostrils, it was his arms, lowering and lifting me over and over._ Sesshoumaru's whole being went into shock. He stood, hiccupping, feeling totally drained and empty. He welcomed the numbness that overcame him and without knowing what he was doing, he began to walk as if he could walk away from the terrible memory and knowledge that had forced itself upon him.

_Where the hell is he?_ Inuyasha searched all around the cave and falls not able to find his brother's scent. "Damn it," he swore out loud. He continued to search in ever widening circles for hours without any luck. Finally, he went back to the cave hoping that his brother would return. _If he doesn't show up by tomorrow I'm leaving, _he thought sulkily, hurt that his sibling hadn't waited for him to return.

Sesshoumaru stumbled into the cave late into the night. He was still in that zombie like state and did not even realize his brother was there, sitting up in the bed and watching him with surprised and worried eyes.

The demon lord stopped and stood in the middle of the cave wondering why he had returned here of all places. Hadn't he wanted to leave here so he wouldn't have to see his brother again? His subconscious had pulled him back, back to the place where he had felt safe and comforted. Back to where his brothers scent still lingered strongly in the air.

Inuyasha left the futon and carefully went to his hiccupping sibling. He saw how pale and lifeless the face of his brother was, the dead eyes. Instantly he knew something was terribly wrong. "Sesshoumaru," he called out gently. "Has something happened?"

Sesshoumaru turned and looked at his brother. "It was – hic - father," he stated so blandly that at first Inuyasha was sure he hadn't heard right.

"What?"

Sesshoumaru took a deep breath, the scent of his brother and the sound of his voice calming him enough for his hiccups to stop. "It must have been my fault," he mused out loud, trying hard to not let the reality of his situation break totally though to him. "I must have done something wrong for him to be at me. Touching me, forcing his fingers, his…I should not have tried to get away."

Sesshoumaru gave a nervous almost hysterical giggle before forcefully encasing himself back into the bubble of nothingness that he had almost burst through. "He was so damned big. No matter how strong I became or how tall I grew, he was a mountain," he murmured.

Inuyasha stood rooted to the spot as his brother spoke in that chillingly, quiet way feeling goosebumps rise on his skin and the hair rise on the back of his neck. "Come on," the hanyou said after a few silent as the grave moments. He gently led his unresisting brother over to the futon. He sat the demon lord down on the edge of the futon and removed his boots and haori, stretching him out on the mattress. The hanyou lay down beside his brother and stroked his hair, holding his head against his chest. "It will be okay," he promised as he soothed the traumatized demon.

Sesshoumaru was so tightly shrouded in the calming emptiness that had served him so well in the past that having his younger brother touching and holding him didn't bother him in the least. In fact strange thoughts were going through his mind. _He's being so kind, so gentle. I should repay him. You should always be nice to someone who is being nice to you. _Those words came to him out of somewhere in the back of his mind. His father's words but Sesshoumaru, in his fog, didn't realize that.

The demon lord wrapped his arm around his brother and hugged himself tighter to the body of his kin. He leaned his head up just as Inuyasha dropped his head to make sure his brother was okay. Their lips touched and Sesshoumaru put his arm behind his brother's head to hold him still as he tried to show his sibling his appreciation in the only way he knew how, the only way he had been taught.


	7. Chapter 7

**WARNING! This chapter contains scenes of child sexual abuse which may be disturbing for some readers.**

A portion of this chapter was inspired by Simple Plans song "Welcome To My Life"

Chapter 7

Inuyasha sat on the floor of the cave with his back against the wall, looking over to the futon where his brother was slumbering peacefully. The sun was just rising above the horizon, making the dark night give way to grey morning.

He was contemplating over what had happened earlier. That one kiss he had been given by his demon brother had awoken in him desires he knew he shouldn't even be thinking about, let alone feeling. He had been so shocked when Sesshoumaru had held him and kissed him that he hadn't known what to do, but his body had responded. His skin had suddenly gone hot and his heart had been racing as if he had run for hours. His brother had then simply let him go and fallen asleep, leaving the hanyou slightly breathless and definitely aroused.

When Inuyasha knew he wouldn't wake the taiyoukai, he moved away from him and had been sitting on the hard stone floor ever since. Afraid of his body's reaction, he needed to get some distance from the one that unleashed this flood of confusing emotions.

The hanyou put his fingers to his lips and could almost feel the pulse of another's against them again. This wasn't what he wanted, was it? He just wanted Sesshoumaru to acknowledge him, to care for him as a brother should and not hate him because of the lineage of his birth.

Why then did his heart beat wildly and his stomach lurch like ten thousand butterflies were inhabiting it every time he looked over to the futon?_ This isn't right, these feelings. I can't do this especially when…and what about Kagome?_

Sesshoumaru had been acting so strangely that Inuyasha hadn't been able to find out what had set the taiyoukai off. All he knew was that their father had done something, something that Sesshoumaru had remembered and had caused him to shut himself down. _All this time…that coldness he always displays…maybe it's just a way to keep himself from remembering this shit, to protect himself._

Inuyasha's head popped up when he heard the rustling of the covers on the futon. Sesshoumaru had rolled over but still remained sleeping.

The hanyou sighed. He wasn't sure what to do about what happened. He didn't even know if his brother would even remember it, as he had been so completely out of it. _I don't think I'll say anything about it unless he does. Thank Kami I didn't do anything in return. I'll just pretend it never happened. He just surprised me that's all. I don't want my brother in that way. It was just a weird situation, no wonder everything got confused._

The hanyou began to feel better about it and with a last look at his sibling who, thankfully, was sleeping peacefully and dreamlessly, he went out into the day to find breakfast.

"Hey," Inuyasha called out as his brother sat up on the futon. It was now early afternoon and he had been a bit worried when his sibling had slept so long.

"Inuyasha," Sesshoumaru intoned, back to his old self. He rose and headed down to the pool to clean himself.

He remembered everything that had transpired the night before. The revelation that had came upon him that it had been his father that had coerced him into doing…things and the kiss he had given his brother. He put it from his mind for the moment, working on maintaining all his defensive shields instead.

He had just learned something about himself. Many people always thought his powers of concentration were terrific, he just learned that really wasn't true. He had just honed to a fine art the ability to shut out unpleasantness. At the moment, he was using that ability to its fullest extent.

Inuyasha padded after his brother. "You feeling okay?" he asked.

"For now," the demon lord responded. He stripped and stepped into the pool not noticing the blush that rose to the hanyou's face as he quickly looked over his brother's body.

"For now?" Inuyasha questioned, averting his eyes, curious as to what his brother meant.

"There's more, I am sure of it, but I do not wish to remember anymore at the moment," the demon lord stated, sinking down into the water and grabbing the bathing supplies he had brought down from the cave with him. He looked at the hanyou that was still standing on the bank. "Are you going to join me?" he asked.

"Uh…well I don't…" Inuyasha started to say rubbing the back of his head nervously.

Sesshoumaru interrupted him. "You do not wish to because I kissed you." He waited patiently for his brother to respond, but the hanyou just blushed and looked away. The inu demon sighed sadly. "I apologize. I should not have done that."

"Why did you?" Inuyasha asked quietly, keeping his eyes on the ground. He was trying his hardest to hide his astonishment that his brother had actually apologized to him.

Sesshoumaru decided to answer honestly. "No one has ever cared how I felt, if I was upset, unhappy, worried, afraid. Nobody consoled me, nobody offered to aid me…no one except you." The taiyoukai let his eyes look out over the water feeling uncomfortable in exposing his feelings, feeling ashamed for reasons he didn't understand. "I do not know of any other way to express how I feel…to express how much your presence means to me."

An awkward silence stretched for a minute, two minutes, three. "I will not do it again," Sesshoumaru finally said to cut through the stillness. He was gently scrubbing his skin, still not looking at his brother. He didn't tell his sibling that that was the first time he had ever willingly kissed another person and that for some reason it hadn't felt wrong to him, although he knew that it was according to social norms.

_But then I wasn't brought up with social norms was I?_ he thought.

"It didn't bother me that much," Inuyasha returned. _What am I saying? He's going to think I'm a pervert; that I'm after him._ "Don't worry so much about it," he added, hiding the confusion he was feeling at his brother's admission.

He shrugged out of his own clothing and dived into the water, popping up in front of his demon brother. He gave Sesshoumaru a lopsided grin. "I'm glad you like having me around."

Inuyasha's grin widened when his brother gave him a small, soft smile.

Inuyasha came back to the cave with a load of fire wood to find his brother gone. At first he was worried that he had left and wasn't coming back until he saw the taiyoukai's armour and fur resting on the form. _Wonder where he went to?_ The hanyou set about putting the wood away and getting the fire pit ready. He was just about to leave himself to go and find supper, when his brother came in with two fish.

"Here, I caught too many," Sesshoumaru stated passing the fish to his brother.

"You're bringing me supper?" Inuyasha questioned, his head tilting in curiosity.

"Of course not," Sesshoumaru intoned disdainfully as he headed back to the doorway. "I told you, I caught too many, there is no sense in letting them go to waste."

"Where are you going? Don't you want one?"

"I have eaten, I'll return when you have finished," Sesshoumaru told him and then he disappeared out the door.

Inuyasha cooked his fish and ate. Even though he enjoyed the fact that someone else had provided for him for a change, he began to feel somewhat homesick and a bit lonely as he thought of his friends and Kagome. He hated eating alone. It reminded him too much of the time before he met Kikyou. Again, he wondered why his brother refused to have any meals with him.

He cleaned up quickly and then went outside to see if he could find his older brother. He was going to ask him what was up with these weird eating arrangements. Following his nose, he easily found Sesshoumaru sitting on a large rock, looking out over the valley and river below. He hopped up beside his sibling and sat on his haunches waiting for Sesshoumaru to acknowledge him.

Sesshoumaru glanced sideways at his brother. He could see he was trying to be patient and quiet but the taiyoukai could also see him twitching and hear the small movements he made. "You just cannot be still," he muttered to his younger brother.

"What are you talking about? I haven't said a word," Inuyasha complained. He thought he had been doing a great job at sitting quietly. "What's with you not eating with me? My table manners aren't that bad you know," he said sulkily.

"It is not just you. I do not eat with anybody…ever."

"Never?" Inuyasha asked totally surprised. "Is it because you eat your food raw? That wouldn't bother me," he stated with some bravado.

"No, that is not the reason. It is the sound of someone eating, I cannot stand it. It reminds me of…certain instances where I have heard similar sounds."

Inuyasha opened his mouth before he thought through what Sesshoumaru had just said. "What sounds?"

Sesshoumaru sat silently for a moment, debating on telling his hanyou brother one of the many memories that had been invading his mind today.

He had been doing well to contain and hide his feelings of revulsion at his father and himself. Going to catch fish had been an excuse to get some privacy as things began to click in his memory, filling in the previously blank gaps. There were still some areas that had yet to become focused, but most of his childhood was now engrained in the forefront of his mind, no longer suppressed.

When he had gone to hunt, he had broken down and cried at his loss of innocence, alone and terrified until he was able to wrestle himself back behind the protective ice of his uncaring façade. But now, those walls were fragile and he was afraid he would not be able to maintain his cool demeanour if he started talking about it. The problem was he was just as afraid to not talk about it. What if things became worse if he tried to suppress these memories again? It seemed to him the more he tried to deny what had happened, the worse he felt. It was as if the child that had been crushed during those years was now screaming at him to allow the truth to come forward.

"Oi, Sesshoumaru. Are you there?" Inuyasha questioned, waving his hand in front of his brother's face. The demon lord's eyes had a far away look in them and the hanyou had become perplexed at the long silence.

"I will tell you why I do not eat with others if you stay still and do not interrupt me." The demon lord stated.

Inuyasha shifted himself into a more comfortable position and looked at his sibling, waiting for him to continue. If he had known what he was about to hear, he may not have bothered ever asking his brother what the sounds were that bothered him so.

"I believe I was very young the first time this happened. It seems to me I was perhaps three or four. I remember being in a chair and there was a hand coming towards me. It seemed so large to me…that hand...a giant's hand. In the hand I remember a silver baby spoon. It had a curved handle, very pretty. A gift from my grandmother I believe. I can clearly see some type of cereal on which karo syrup floated; golden, pretty, ugly. I couldn't move my arms because they were bound to the arms of the chair. Now the karo syrup is not in the spoon, it is coating…" Sesshoumaru swallowed and took a deep breath. "It is on father's…phallus."

Sesshoumaru hesitated to use a stronger word, feelings of shame and disgust coursing through him. Still, he continued. "It is bobbing up and down in front of me. His hand is gripping it and pushing it towards my mouth. He tells me to taste it, to lick it. I was so young but still I knew this wasn't right…but what could I do, he was my father. I obeyed."

Sesshoumaru began to speak faster now, trying to get the whole tale out before he lost the fortitude to continue. He almost wished Inuyasha would say something, interrupt him or stop him, but his brother was looking at him silently with large, round eyes, his mouth open; his face white.

"Those sounds as I licked and sucked, slurping, swallowing. I remember at one point I was crying, struggling to get free of the hand holding my head and then there was something filling my mouth, my lungs and I was choking for breath."

"It was then that father untied me and lifted me from the chair with his huge, muscular arms around my waist and wrenched my stomach. Then there was pale, gooey, white stuff…his seed…spurting from my mouth, dripping from my nostrils and I could breathe again. All those wet sounds are engraved in my subconscious and now my conscious mind. Someone eating, no matter how quietly they do it, makes those same sounds. Now do you understand?"

Inuyasha nodded his head, unable to speak and feeling totally sick. Could his father have done such an awful thing? The same demon that those who knew him had told Inuyasha what a great leader and man his father had been. Could he have almost drowned his young demon son in his own semen just to fulfill his twisted desires? _Why didn't anyone stop him? _The hanyou thought. _There must have been someone who knew what was going on. Why would they just turn a blind eye? _

"Where was your mother?" Inuyasha asked quietly, still shocked at this new information.

"She died giving birth to me, I never knew her. I do not even know what she looks like," Sesshoumaru uttered with just the slightest quaver in his voice.

In all the time growing up in his father's castle, he couldn't even remember seeing a painting of her. The one time he had asked about her, his father had beaten him. That was the one and only time his father had ever been angry enough to raise a violent hand to him. Of course, the great dog-demon later regretted hurting his son and had wanted to make it up to him. All in all, Sesshoumaru preferred the beating over his father's 'special' apology. He had learned, however, not to ask about his mother again.

"I…I'm so sorry, Sesshoumaru. I…Kami…I don't know what to say."

"There is nothing to say," Sesshoumaru answered him, trying to remain unconcerned. He was failing. The demon put his hand on the top of Inuyasha's head between his dog ears. "Just sit with me," he whispered.

Inuyasha flicked his ears to the side in sorrow for his brother as he felt the hand on his head trembling. He understood what it meant to lose a mother early in life, but the rest of it, the torment Sesshoumaru must have endured, he just couldn't fathom.

Sesshoumaru was desperately trying to hold himself in check with every ounce of his will. "I feel like I am on the edge of breaking down and there is no one to save me," the demon lord uttered miserably.

The hanyou reached up and took the pale hand in his own, holding it tightly. "I'm here, I'll save you," he replied firmly, looking into his brother's golden eyes. The two sat quietly watching as the sky darkened and the night chilled before silently heading back into the cave, the hanyou still holding the demons hand.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Inuyasha grabbed a blanket and set himself up in front of the fire. Sesshoumaru was sitting on the futon watching him quizzically. "As you said, the futon is large enough for both of us," he stated.

"Is that a good idea? I mean you got upset last time..." the hanyou answered him. Inuyasha was a bit nervous about sharing the futon: one because he didn't want to upset his brother if he happened to touch him again and two because he was unsure of what he would do if he did touch his brother's beautiful body again.

"I cannot run and hide from this anymore. I know the reason for my discomfort and I believe I can control it and not be overwhelmed," Sesshoumaru informed him.

Inuyasha had to admit he was pretty impressed with his brother's reserve of strength and resoluteness. _I'd be such a mess if this happened to me._ For the first time, feelings of hero worship began to form inside the hanyou as he looked at his brother.

"If you are uncomfortable…" Sesshoumaru began.

"No, I can share. It doesn't bother me a bit," Inuyasha returned, squaring his shoulders. If his brother could handle it, then so could he. He walked over and plopped down on the left side of the bed, leaving the demon lord to get comfortable on the right. Inuyasha let loose a huge yawn and stretched before making himself comfortable in the soft coverings. Ten minutes had not yet passed before Sesshoumaru heard his younger siblings breathing deepen in sleep.

Sesshoumaru closed his eyes, but sleep evaded him. He laid there as various thoughts and recollections ran through his mind like a promenade of horrors. It seemed that once the memories started coming they wouldn't stop no matter how hard the taiyoukai tried to deny them. Unable to stay still any longer, he gently left the futon, glancing at his brother who was sleeping on his back with one hand curled by his head, the other thrown out to the side. The taiyoukai began to pace back and forth in front of the still burning but dying fire.

Inuyasha awoke a couple of hours later, knowing that his brother was no longer beside him. Shaking off the bleary eyes of sleep, he propped himself up on his elbows to see Sesshoumaru pacing around the red coals of the fire pit. He sat up fully and called out his brother's name.

"I did not mean to wake you," the taiyoukai told his brother as he stopped his pacing.

"That's alright. Did you have a dream?" the hanyou questioned.

Sesshoumaru returned to the futon and sat down on his side of it. "No, no dreams. It's just…"

"Just what?" Inuyasha prodded.

"What if I hurt Rin?" Sesshoumaru replied with a twinge of fear in his voice. "You do not understand. Father was not always hurting me. He was kind, gentle. He taught me the martial arts, swordsmanship. He would carry me on his shoulders and show me interesting things. There were good times, laughter and affection aside from the…other things. But then if there was good in him, then that makes me the bad one, doesn't it? I had to have done something to make him do those things. What if I do those things to Rin?"

"Sesshoumaru, no matter how nice he was, he is still to blame. He was the adult; he guided you; he manipulated you. It wasn't your fault." Inuyasha proclaimed firmly. "Now as far as Rin, do you think about doing those things with her?"

"No, it disgusts me. I do not wish to defile her in such a way," Sesshoumaru exclaimed vehemently.

"Then you won't."

"You seem very certain," Sesshoumaru replied, still unsure of himself.

"I am. I've never known anybody that's able to control himself as well as you. I envy your ability to stay cool and collected no matter what. I'm always flying off the handle, getting upset, not being able to think clearly. If you don't want to hurt Rin, then you won't; plain and simple." Inuyasha yawned and lay back on the futon closing his eyes.

He opened them wide when he felt claws gently caressing though his bangs. His brother was leaning on the stump of his left arm looking down at him, his face inches from Inuyasha's, combing the fingers of his right hand through his hair. Inuyasha reached up, his heart pounding in his chest and touched his brother's lips. "This is dangerous," he whispered to his sibling.

Sesshoumaru continued to stare down at him, his expression unreadable. He stilled his hand on the top of the hanyou's head, not saying a word.

_Kami help me, _Inuyasha thought as he pulled his brother to him. Clutching at his brother's haori, he kissed him, gently at first, then with more urgency as feelings he didn't understand coursed though him.

Sesshoumaru remained compliant throughout, opening his mouth to receive his brother's tongue when the hanyou pressed it against his lips.

Inuyasha could feel his body becoming flushed and hot as their tongues touched and stroked against each other. _What am I doing? This isn't right, I've got to stop!_ _We're brothers, we're both guys. This is so wrong_. Even though he thought those things and knew they were right, his body was telling him to continue. The taste of his brother was intoxicating to him. He held the kiss as long as he could before he had to stop to take a breath of air.

"I can't do this," he rasped out huskily to his brother who was still leaning over him, looking down into his golden eyes.

"Why?" Sesshoumaru asked. "I can tell you are aroused, you want this. Why not just take what you want?"

Inuyasha looked back into his brother's cool yellow eyes in confusion. _Why is he going along with this?_ He sat up and moved away from the taiyoukai, blushing hotly. "I can't, it's not right and…"

"And?" Sesshoumaru questioned.

"And you don't want this," Inuyasha blurted out. He could tell his brother had not been stimulated by their kiss and he couldn't blame him after all that had happened in his past. _How could I do that to him? He's never going to forgive me, he'll kick me out now. _

"You care how I feel, what I want?" Sesshoumaru asked as he too sat up on the futon.

"Of course, why would you think I wouldn't?" Inuyasha bowed his head, his ears drooping, waiting for his brother to yell or curse him. "Kami, I'm…sorry," he apologized feeling totally miserable.

Inuyasha didn't realize it, but he had just passed an important test. The demon lord had not only been worried about Rin, but he had also begun to question his brother's motives in staying with him and helping him. _Is he like father?_ Sesshoumaru wondered.

One of the recollections he had had today had been when he had been pinned under some rocks. He had been out with his father at one of his friends palaces and had been playing with the other children at the bottom of a cliff. The side of it had given way and he had become trapped under the landslide. His father came over, but instead of helping, had stood over him. Sesshoumaru looked up at him, unable to open his mouth to ask for help because of the fear building within him at the look he was receiving from his father.

"Favour for a favour," the older inu had whispered, leaning over the trapped pup. He only helped his son when the boy had agreed.

His father was always lulling him into a false sense of security by smiling and making things look safe and then he would pounce. Kindness, such as Inuyasha was showing him, was always expected to be repaid. Sesshoumaru had purposely instigated this in order to test that belief.

Sesshoumaru reached out and pulled the hanyou to him, hugging him to his chest, for the first time in his life completely trusting in another. "Do not fret," he told his sibling as he let him go. The demon lord lay back on the futon, patting the empty space beside him. "Come to bed, you're tired."

Inuyasha was totally disoriented and bewildered by his brother's reaction to what had just happened. "Maybe I should sleep on the floor," he returned, unsure of himself and the situation he was currently in.

"Do not be foolish, lie down and go to sleep," Sesshoumaru ordered. "I trust you," he added quietly.

Inuyasha crawled under the blanket and made sure that he was not in danger of coming in contact with his brother, certain that he would be lying awake the whole night.

It wasn't long until both were sleeping soundly.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Inuyasha sat by the morning fire and watched as his brother tied his yellow and blue obi in an extremely elaborate knot. He was more than impressed he was able to do it with one hand. "That's a pretty intricate knot," the hanyou stated.

"It does its job," Sesshoumaru replied matter of factly.

"Yeah, well so does mine but at least I can figure out how to untie it," the hanyou joked.

Sesshoumaru finished dressing and began to leave. He did not tell his sibling that the purpose behind that knot was so others could not untie it unless they knew the trick. It had been something he had taught himself a long time ago. He had had a hard time relearning the tie with the use of only one hand, but after much practice and patience, he was able to keep his kimono belted tightly shut. The demon lord now knew why he had been so determined to make sure his obi was secured. Subconsciously, his mind wanted a way to control his father from being able to strip him of his clothing so easily.

"Sesshoumaru," Inuyasha called out to stop his brother from leaving, his joking manner gone. "About last night…"

"I told you not to fret about it." Sesshoumaru again turned to leave expecting his brother to follow.

"I'm going back to the village," Inuyasha stated. "I need to check on my friends. We need to continue to find the shards." _I'm such a coward, _the hanyou thought. His real reason was that he was finding it hard to deal with what he had done, what he had wanted to do with his own brother…what he still wanted to do. "You seem to be doing better and…well…"

"I see," Sesshoumaru returned, keeping his voice steady._ I knew this day would come when he would leave. _"I should return to the Western Lands as well."

"You'll be alright?" Inuyasha asked as feelings of guilt washed over him.

"I will be fine. As you say, I am doing better...Goodbye, Inuyasha." Sesshoumaru walked out the door and into the forest.

_Damn! Damn it to hell! _Inuyasha fisted his hands by his side. He didn't want to leave it this way. He had the feeling that he had just hurt his brother in some way, even though Sesshoumaru had shown no emotion whatsoever. _How does he do that? How can he hold everything in like that?_ The half-demon sighed dejectedly and then left the cave as well to head back home.

Sesshoumaru stood on the hill overlooking his father's castle, his castle now. He dreaded entering it. The closer he had gotten to home, the more nervous he had become. Small bits of memories came and flitted away like dragonflies, never settling long enough for him to see them clearly._ What more could I have to remember?_ The taiyoukai thought as he started down the hill towards his home.

"Sesshoumaru-sama!" Rin cried out happily when the taiyoukai entered the castle. The small child came running down the hall and stopped just short of running into the demon. She bowed respectfully and then looked up at her adoptive father with a happy smile on her face. "Welcome home."

"Thank you, Rin," the demon lord smiled gently. He placed his hand on the top of her head causing the little girls face to brighten even more.

"Will we be leaving soon?" the child asked as she followed her lord towards his room.

"Soon. Where is Jaken?" he asked the child.

"Ummm, I think he's in the kitchen. I'll go tell him you're back." The little dark haired girl ran off.

Sesshoumaru watched her go and then continued down the hallway to the stairway that led up to his private apartments. He stopped at the bottom, looking up.

The stairway went straight up for ten steps and then turned at a ninety degree angle before continuing for another twelve steps. A memory was pressing itself on him about the alcove that was at that ninety degree turn. It was just dark enough there that a person could hide by pressing themselves against the wall.

Sesshoumaru was remembering the many times he had raced up the stairs as a child, hoping against hope to get past that area quickly without getting caught. He never knew when father would be there to grab him, this being one of his father's favourite "games".

Once, when Sesshoumaru had been five, his father had captured him. He'd gripped the top of the boys head with one hand and lifted him up with the other right below his scrotum, his fingers touching and fondling, holding him aloft with his small feet just touching the stair treads.

Sesshoumaru shook the vision away and then walked up the first six steps before breaking out in a sweat. He took a quick look around to make sure no one was about to see him and then ran the rest of the way until he reached the top. He stopped and took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself before he went into his bedroom.

It actually was a guest room that he had taken over. He had closed off his father's room; many thought in deference to the deceased. But, he wouldn't stay in his childhood room. There were some that had wondered why the taiyoukai had chosen the small guest room over his own much larger one, but none would ever dare to question him about it. Sesshoumaru now knew why he had always been loath to go into either room. Many things, things he subconsciously wanted to avoid thinking about, had happened in those two rooms.

He removed his armour, and changed into a light yukata and then sat on the futon in his room. He held his head in his hand, trying to push back the images that kept inundating him. At the moment he wanted nothing more than to leave this place and never return. _No wonder I was always uncomfortable in the castle, always trekking, never wanting to be here for long. _

Sesshoumaru steeled his features and his resolve, _I must face this. I will run away no longer._ He would stay for awhile and deal with these memories, visions and dreams. He would get it all out of his system so he could rid himself of the fear and shame that lived in his heart.

_I wish…Inuyasha were here, _he thought. The presence of his brother had soothed and calmed him but now, on his own, he was feeling edgy and nervous. _With or without him, I will beat this._ He stood and headed down to the dining hall. It was almost time for the evening meal and he wanted to tuck Rin into bed after eating before turning in himself. He wanted to make sure he was well rested so he could take on these memories in the morning.


	10. Chapter 10

**WARNING: This chapter contains scenes of child sexual abuse which may be disturbing to some readers.**

Chapter 10

"You seem very quiet today," Miroku stated as he walked along beside his friend.

"I don't have anything to say. Have a problem with that?" Inuyasha returned grumpily. He could not get his sibling out of his mind. He had been so sure that going back to his group was the right thing to do for both him and his brother, but now doubts began to invade his mind.

"No, no problem," Miroku replied, shrugging his shoulders. He wanted to ask about Sesshoumaru, who he figured his hanyou friend was still thinking and worrying about.

When Inuyasha had returned, he had told everyone that he and his brother had worked out their problems and that everything was now fine between them. The dreams, he told the girls, were just a misunderstanding on Rin's part. Miroku, of course, knew differently, but as of yet had not had a chance to get the half-demon aside to ask him what had happened and if everything really was alright.

"I sense a jewel shard," Kagome told them all. "It's over that way." The group headed in the direction that the miko girl had turned to, getting ready to do battle with what ever demon had a piece of the Shikon no Tama.

Sesshoumaru stood looking into the room of his father. He had not crossed the threshold, rooted to the spot as memories took over his mind. He could see himself and his father on the large futon, his father making a tent of the blankets; him positioned between his father's legs under them. He remembered the feel of his father's large hands on his tiny thighs, slipping inside the fundoshi, stroking his flesh. _How old was I then? Twelve? Thirteen? _

"**_Sssh; isn't this nice_**?" his father asked the pubescent boy gently, caressing his son's smaller organ softly, trying to get the boy to stop whimpering. The demon lord took his son's small hands and placed them on his own erection that was protruding from its nest of white, wiry brush, instructing the boy to do the same to him.

Shocked, Sesshoumaru realized he was sexually aroused by the memory. He felt his father's hands over and over again. He cursed, angry and ashamed at his body's reaction and the unwanted knowledge flooding the inner recesses of his protesting mind. There had been pleasure along with the pain.

The demon lord slammed the door of his father's room closed and returned to his own room. He closed the door behind him, his hands trembling.

_I enjoyed it, _Sesshoumaru thought in disgust. He hiccupped. He sat on his bed and held himself firmly with his one arm, his eyes squeezed shut trying to block out the memory. He hiccupped again. He couldn't stop trembling and he opened his eyes scanning the room. His sight stopped on his closet. Still hiccupping, he went over and opened the door to the small room. Once inside, he closed the door and sat on the floor in the dark, hugging his knees tightly to him.

"So you're brother is alright?" Miroku asked as the two boys sat on the opposite side of the hotsprings that the girls and Shippou were bathing in, their view of each others group blocked by a line of tall rocks.

"I think so," the hanyou answered. It did seem like his brother was starting to come around and control his reactions to the dreams and memories. "He always seemed better after we talked."

"Humm," Miroku drawled. Inuyasha had not told him any specific details of the dreams but the monk knew what they were about. He was of the opinion that one didn't get over something like that quite so quickly.

"What?" Inuyasha frowned at the look he was receiving from his friend.

"I know Sesshoumaru is a very powerful demon and maybe you're right, maybe he is alright with everything that happened to him, but I think you should go and find him just to make sure," Miroku answered diplomatically.

"You think I abandoned him, don't you?" This is exactly what the hanyou had been thinking himself.

"Well I wouldn't say that," Miroku appeased. "But I am curious as to why you came back so suddenly."

Inuyasha dunked down into the water trying to delay answering his friend. He could lie, or just not answer him at all, but he knew his monk friend was only trying to help and he was feeling so guilty for leaving Sesshoumaru on his own. _I told him I'd save him, that I'd be there to help. What a joke. When things started getting hairy I just bailed._ The half-demon popped back up.

Miroku was leaning against the rocks quietly with his eyes closed. He understood that he couldn't push his friend too hard to talk. He just wanted the hanyou to know he was available to listen if he needed him.

"I did something," Inuyasha said quietly.

Miroku kept his eyes closed and his aura relaxed. "Yes?" he prodded.

"I…I kissed him." Inuyasha lowered his ears and his eyes in shame.

Miroku opened his eyes and took a quick look at his friend in surprise before closing them again, not allowing the hanyou to see his shock. "What did Sesshoumaru do about that?" he asked neutrally.

"Nothing. Look, don't get the wrong idea. I'm not into guys or anything but there was just so much weird shit going on and…and…argh! I don't even know what happened." Inuyasha was getting upset and aggravated that he couldn't convey what he had been feeling. "That's why I left. It was wrong. I didn't want to hurt him," Inuyasha finished sadly.

"I'm not here to pass judgement on you, although it probably wasn't the best of ideas, considering. I still think you should check on him," Miroku told his friend. "I'm not under the opinion that he really has anyone to rely on in a matter such as this."

"What if he hates me?" Inuyasha whispered miserably.

"That is a possibility," Miroku agreed. "In that case apologize and know that you've done the best you could and don't feel guilty about it."

Inuyasha felt a sense of relief that his friend was trying to give him good advice instead of running off in disgust. "Thanks, Miroku…for understanding."

Jaken knocked on his lord's door again and again he got no answer. He had been getting worried the last few days as his master had not come out of his room in three days, neither had he allowed anyone in.

Rin had been frantically bothering the toad to so something, as Sesshoumaru wouldn't even open the door for the food that had been brought up to him.

"Lord Sesshoumaru, please open the door."

"Leave me," Sesshoumaru answered. He was sitting on the floor of his room in a pool of blood, a small dagger in his hand.

Jaken fidgeted outside the door debating on just opening it and going in. He placed his small hand on the door.

"Open it to your own death," Sesshoumaru threatened with a vicious growl. He had heard the toad touch the door with his sharp hearing.

The green imp pulled his hand back quickly. He stood outside the room for a few minutes more before deciding that he needed help in dealing with this. As much as he hated to do it, he left the castle to find Inuyasha.

Sesshoumaru slashed the knife across his thigh again. The memory that had caused this form of self punishment was still strong in his mind.

The phantom scent of the damp, musty dungeon was still invading his nostrils. He could see in his minds eye the wall to his right and a door dead ahead. A tall figure was silhouetted before the door. In a deadly silence, his father's hands moved and took him around the waist. Long, delicate fingers worked at the kimono, separating fabric from flesh, from the space where thighbone met pelvis. He could feel himself riding his father forward and back, this time not as a child but as a teenager, the two of them entwined in some kind of crazy position. He had felt the undeniable sexual arousal.

_A teenager,_ Sesshoumaru thought as he brought the knife against his flesh again. _I let him do those awful things. _He couldn't remember ever defending himself against his father._ What does that make me? I was aroused like an animal. _

A few more cuts later, and he began to feel better. The pain was soothing and helped block out the misery in his heart. He sat and waited for his wounds to heal, which didn't take long. Soon, one would never suspect that his legs had been slashed dozens of times in his attempt to carve away all of the sins from his body.


	11. Chapter 11

**WARNING: This chapter contains scenes of child sexual abuse which may be disturbing for some readers.**

Chapter 11

Inuyasha had ventured half way to the Western Lands when he noticed the small green toad that usually accompanied his brother. The hanyou hopped down from the tree in front of the imp, scaring him near to death.

"What do you think you're trying to do, stop my heart?" the toad complained, gripping his staff of two heads tightly to his chest.

"Where's Sesshoumaru?" Inuyasha asked, ignoring the irritated imp's anxiety.

"He's back at the castle."

Jaken sighed. He hated to ask the hanyou for any help, but his lord was acting so strangely. He was even keeping away from Rin, which was something the taiyoukai never did. In fact, most of the time Jaken felt quite upset with the privileges his lord indulged the child with. Even her tears had not moved his lord enough to come out of his room.

"Something is wrong with him and I know you know what it is." This was another thing that was upsetting the toad. _Why would my lord ever open up to this half-breed. I am his most loyal servant and he should tell me what's wrong,_ he sulked to himself.

"Is he alright?" Inuyasha questioned.

"No." The little imp stared down at his webbed toes, shifting them uncomfortably. "He won't come out of his room, he won't eat and I don't even think he's sleeping. I need…your help," Jaken forced himself to say.

Inuyasha's eyes dulled with worry. "Take me to him," he commanded and then followed the toad to his brother's home. Neither traveller said a word to the other; each was too busy agonizing over how to help the taiyoukai.

"Sesshoumaru, will you let me in?" Inuyasha asked as he stood outside his brother's room.

Jaken had taken the half demon there right away and then gone to the kitchens to prepare a tray for his lord. He hoped that maybe the hanyou would be able to gain entrance and get him to eat something. Flicking his dog ears forward, Inuyasha could hear shuffling behind the door, but his brother did not respond to his inquiry. The hanyou pressed his forehead against the door.

"I'm sorry I left," he whispered. He knew the demon would be able to hear him. "I was afraid," he admitted. "I feel things when I'm with you. I don't want to be like father, I don't want to hurt you like he did. I want to help. Please…let me in."

At first Inuyasha heard nothing but then the door was pushed open a crack from the other side, forcing Inuyasha to open it the rest of the way. The coppery scent of blood was strong in the air, its stench overwhelming his nostrils as he stepped into the room. Surveying his brother's room, the hanyou's eyes went large when he noticed the reddish-brown stain on the floor by the futon.

"Sesshoumaru, are you okay?" the teen asked feeling a surge of anguish. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Sesshoumaru replied dully. "I am fine."

"Let me see," Inuyasha demanded as he went to his brother who had sat down on the futon.

Sitting listlessly on the edge of the bed, Sesshoumaru allowed his brother to look him over, not feeling at all the caring touch of the hanyou's fingers on his body. "I hated your mother," he stated without emotion.

"What?" Inuyasha asked unbelievably. He couldn't find any wounds to account for the large stain of dried blood on the floor.

"She took him away from me."

The dead tone in his brother's voice concerned Inuyasha. He sat on the futon beside his sibling and looked at him, now noticing how drawn and pale his face was, the dark circles under his eyes. He could see the strain this had been taking on Sesshoumaru by the slight trembling of his hand as he passed it nervously through his hair.

The demon lord snorted out a bitter laugh. "Can you believe that? All those years I wanted him to leave me alone and when he did I was jealous. How pathetic. Even worse, she conceived you, the one that was going to take my place."

Sesshoumaru put his hand over his face and the softest of sobs escaped his lips. "I hated you not because you were hanyou, but because, when he died that day, you were free of him. You would never go through what I did. Why did you have to be so lucky? You had your mother to love you, to protect you. Even father protected you. Why didn't anyone protect me?"

Sesshoumaru said this so softly, so hopelessly, that Inuyasha couldn't help himself. He wrapped his arms around the taiyoukai letting his tears mix with his brother's.

The day that his father was killed was the day that Sesshoumaru suppressed all of the memories of his abuse, believing that he had betrayed his family's name and honour. He felt such guilt over being relieved or even glad that his father had died, that he managed to only think of him as the legendary dog demon lord, one to be respected and honoured; a great man, not a monster. His hatred for Inuyasha and his mother had remained. He never understood until now his true but shadowed reason behind that animosity.

Inuyasha had just gotten his sibling to lay back on the futon when he heard a soft knock on the door. Jaken was there with food, all his lord's favourites. He passed the tray to the hanyou.

"He's resting but I'll get him to eat," Inuyasha informed the toad. "Bring me a bucket of hot water and a stiff brush too."

"Why, what's wrong with Lord Sesshoumaru?" Jaken tried to poke his head through the half-open door but Inuyasha stood firmly in the way.

"He'll tell you if he wants to. Just get me something to clean up the floor with."

Jaken gave the half-demon a confused look but did as he requested, not even complaining about being ordered around by a mere hanyou.

"Here, eat," Inuyasha ordered, placing the tray on the bed.

Sesshoumaru didn't argue; he just sat up and began to nibble at the various foods on the tray. Inuyasha sat and watched his overly placid brother, saying nothing until the taiyoukai finished his meal and pushed the tray away. The hanyou frowned; Sesshoumaru had still left half the food on it.

"You should eat more," the hanyou admonished. "You're going to make yourself sick."

Inuyasha went to the door again when he heard the toad knocking, accepting the bucket and brush. He closed the door and then kneeled on the floor, cleaning the stain. Sesshoumaru was laying on his side on the futon, his back to Inuyasha when the teen looked up from his work to check on the taiyoukai.

"Where did all this blood come from?" he questioned the back of his brother as he scrubbed. He could tell from the way the demon was breathing that he was awake.

"Nowhere," Sesshoumaru answered softly.

"It's yours, I can smell your scent," Inuyasha told him, trying to push the demon into telling him what he had done.

"I am tired, leave me," Sesshoumaru answered, still speaking in that soft, far away tone.

"I'm not going anywhere," Inuyasha informed him as he finally finished scrubbing. He threw the brush into the now dark red water inside the bucket.

"Leave me," Sesshoumaru stated, this time with more force.

"No," the hanyou returned stubbornly, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Sesshoumaru sighed. "I just want to sleep. Go get yourself something to eat, you can come back later," he said in a more normal tone of voice.

Inuyasha hesitated, he was pretty hungry and if his brother was just going to sleep anyways… "Alright, but I'll be back soon."

"As you wish." Sesshoumaru closed his eyes and listened as his brother picked up the tray and the bucket and left the room, closing the door softly behind him. As soon as he was gone, the demon rose, pulling out the dagger that had been hidden under the pillow. He left his room and headed for the bathroom.

He filled the large wooden tub with the hot water that was in a large cauldron over a fire and stripped. He sunk down into the tub, letting the hot water relax his stiff muscles. He was twirling the dagger around in his hand as depression settled over him. _How could I wish such things on another? To hate my own brother just because he was spared the humiliation and degradation I endured. I am more a monster than father._ A swirl of red flowed into the water.

_It was my fault as well, I chased after him. I wanted the pleasure he could give me. _The water darkened a little more.

Sesshoumaru's mind floated back to a time when he was probably about fifteen years old. He and his father were sitting at the table, eating the evening meal. His father caught his eye and gave the teen that certain look. Sesshoumaru knew; that was the signal. The boy would head to the room or whatever place his father's scent was strongest.

As he sat there in the tub, the taiyoukai could feel the warmth of his father's touch and knew, at that time, he had been a willing participant.

His father's face showed clearly in the flashback, suffused with pleasure as his manhood, exposed in the opening of the kimono, swelled and curved upward under the younger demons administrations. The demon's hands gripped the white thighs of his teen son, opening them. Sesshoumaru's own kimono was shoved up to his waist and steadily he could feel a pounding then a throbbing heat as his father's organ was squeezed between his bare cheeks. He could feel his father's body against his, smell the heavy odour of sweat and sex, and hear the moans of pleasure sighing from his younger self. He could feel his own arousal, hot and throbbing, as he cried out for his father to give him release.

_I hate myself._ That lone thought went through Sesshoumaru's mind as he cut himself again, disgusted by his past actions. _I acted like a wanton whore. _His abdomen and chest dripped a sickening burgundy from the many slashes in his flesh. The demon lord had just hit bottom. _It would have been better if I had never been born. I have caused nothing but misery to others and to myself. _Sesshoumaru brought the sharp edge of the blade to his larynx.

The door to the room smashed open and Inuyasha jumped into the tub with his brother, grabbing his wrist to stop him from slashing the dagger across his throat.

"Stop, Sesshoumaru," the hanyou cried out. _If I had been just a few seconds later… _He held onto his sibling tightly, peeling the knife out of his fingers. His heart was pounding in his chest in anxiety and fear. He could taste his own terror on the back of his tongue, mixing with the metallic scent of Sesshoumaru's blood.

"Why did you stop me?" Sesshoumaru asked blandly, still encased in a shroud of self loathing.

"I don't want you to die. I couldn't stand it if you left me." The hanyou hesitated for a moment before saying what he knew he had been feeling but that he had tried to deny. "I love you, Sesshoumaru," Inuyasha told his sibling, hugging him tighter to his chest, not caring if the emotions he was feeling for his brother were wrong or not.

"I cannot fathom that emotion. I have always been emotionless, acting without regard for the feelings or desires of others. It eliminates the need for love."

"Then I'll teach you what it means," the hanyou intoned seriously as he gripped either side of his brother's face, forcing him to look at him. "Everybody needs love."

"You may change your mind when you know of my debauchery," the demon lord responded.

"Nothing will change my mind, now come on." Inuyasha helped his brother out of the tub, washing the blood off his healing chest and stomach and then drying him off, wrapping the towel around him. Both of them went into the demon lord's room and Inuyasha turned his back to allow his brother privacy to get dressed, refusing to leave.

"I wish to leave here," Sesshoumaru stated. "Tomorrow. I do not want to be in this castle any longer."

"Okay, but you need to get some rest now."

"Tell Jaken to get Rin ready to go first thing," Sesshoumaru ordered.

"I will." Inuyasha put the covers over his brother and was going to leave to remove his wet clothing when Sesshoumaru grabbed his arm.

"Stay with me, sleep with me."

Inuyasha hesitated for only a moment before he stripped and changed into an extra set of his brother's night clothes. He then crawled in beside his broken sibling and held him in his arms.


	12. Chapter 12

**WARNING - This chapter contains yaoi and incest.**

Chapter 12

Sesshoumaru opened his eyes and continued to lay beside his brother, taking in his scent, his warmth. The hanyou was asleep, curled up against him, his chest rising and falling deeply and peacefully.

The demon lord actually felt better this morning. This was the best sleep he had gotten in days, possibly years; and the fact that he would soon leave this place was beginning to rejuvenate his tired and battered soul. He felt shame when he thought back to his failed suicide attempt, and the desire to cut himself whispered to him once more, but he pushed the urge away with a frown. _I will remain strong. I have made it this far despite what has happened in the past. I will not let it rule me any longer. _

Sesshoumaru stretched, which woke Inuyasha. The hanyou sat up quickly looking at his brother. "Are you alright?"

"Yes." The inu demon looked up at his worried sibling as he let himself relax against the sheets. "I will not try to take my life again," he stated, and he meant it. He still didn't understand his feelings towards his brother; but he did know he felt better being with him and that he wanted to stay by his side, travelling with Rin and even Jaken. He wanted to put the pieces together of his shattered ideals and move on with his life.

"You better not or I'll kill you," Inuyasha said seriously. Last night he had been so scared when he saw how close his brother had came to leaving him alone, again, and he wasn't going to stand for it.

"That does not make sense," Sesshoumaru intoned. He closed his eyes for a moment, putting his arm under his head, taking in another breath of his brother's earthy scent. "Did you mean what you said...about loving me?" he asked suddenly.

"Yes," the hanyou replied, blushing slightly.

"What about the wench that follows you?" Sesshoumaru asked, opening his eyes and watching his brother's expression.

"Kagome? I honestly don't know how I feel about her. Half the time I think I'm in love with her, the other half I think I hate her. She can drive me crazy sometimes and I hate it when she sits me," Inuyasha responded. "Other times, she's so kind, so giving…I don't know, maybe she just reminds me of Kikyou." Inuyasha shrugged his shoulders. "I just don't know. But with you, I know I love you, there's no question in my mind." Inuyasha had decided that since he had confessed to his brother, he wasn't going to angst over it. He felt how he felt and that was that.

"I do not know what I feel. When I was a child, tormented as I was, I cried. Father would tell me crying was a sign of weakness; all emotions were a weakness. Be strong, he would say, and if you don't know how, I'll show you. Otherwise you'll never make it in that world out there. It worked, he made me very strong but he stripped me of emotion. I do not know how to respond to love," Sesshoumaru stated truthfully. "I do not know if I am capable of it."

"Well, we'll just have to see," Inuyasha returned.

He was sure that his brother did have emotions in there somewhere. They had just been repressed and denied for so long, hidden behind that wall of protective ice. It might take awhile to extract them, but he was going to do his best to show his sibling how to trust and believe again, how to love. Just like Kagome had done for him.

"You miss them," Sesshoumaru stated as the two brothers walked along the road. Jaken and Rin were following behind, the little girl on the dragon, the toad leading it with its reins. Inuyasha kept his gaze forward, pretending to be engrossed in looking at the scenery ahead.

"You should go see them," the demon continued when his hanyou sibling didn't answer.

"No." Inuyasha shook his head. "I'm not going to leave you alone," he argued.

"Sesshoumaru-sama's not alone, Inuyasha-sama," Rin's little singsong voice piped up from behind the pair. "He has Rin and Master Jaken to keep him company." The small girl was overjoyed that she was able to be with her lord again and that he seemed so much better. Even Jaken had been nicer than usual to the hanyou, as he was reaping the benefits of a more congenial master. Dare the imp suggest that the taiyoukai was absorbing the attributes of his brother?

"See?" Sesshoumaru agreed. He didn't want to see his brother unhappy and these last few days he sensed a feeling of loneliness in the half-demon. "I will be fine, go see your friends. You can always find me when you need to."

"Why don't you come back with me?" Inuyasha asked hopefully. "We could all work together to find Naraku and the shards."

Sesshoumaru stiffened slightly. "I am uncomfortable around those in your group as they are with me, so my answer is no." _Why can he not see this?_ The demon lord thought to himself, feeling slightly exasperated.

"You've got to learn to trust others you know. They're good people," Inuyasha stated

"That may be, but my answer is still no." Sesshoumaru stared straight ahead, trying not to let his frustration show. He hated having to continually refuse his brother on this subject. "I trust you and that's enough for now."

Inuyasha walked along, quietly debating the issue with himself. He did miss the others, especially Kagome. He knew he loved his brother, but he also had feelings for the miko girl and he wanted to see her. The problem was that he was afraid to leave his brother alone, in case he had another episode such as what had happened at the castle a couple of weeks ago.

Sesshoumaru seemed to know what he was thinking. "I told you I would not try and take my life again," he said quietly, so Rin and Jaken wouldn't hear. "Do you not trust me?"

"It's not that," Inuyasha returned a bit shamefaced.

"Then go visit your friends," Sesshoumaru ordered.

"Alright, but I'll be back soon," the hanyou stated. He smiled in spite of himself. Saying goodbye to everyone, he took off in the direction of the village.

Sesshoumaru watched him go, happy that he had made his brother smile, but sad that he had left. _Is this love?_ He asked himself. _Wanting to make someone else happy without regard to yourself?_

This was a new situation for the taiyoukai. Never before had he worried about the wants and desires of others or how they felt, with the exception of Rin. Now it seemed he thought of these things more and more; for his brother and even for his small retainer. He had been kinder to the toad as of late, and the little imp secretly blessed the half-demon every day for it.

Over the next few weeks, Sesshoumaru partially gave in to his sibling's wishes and kept himself fairly close to Inuyasha's group. He was still far enough away that the humans didn't notice his presence, but close enough that his brother wouldn't have to go far to find him.

Occasionally, one of the others would accompany the half-demon on his almost daily visits with his brother, usually the monk or Kagome with the kitsune. Rin looked forward to the few times that Shippou came, the two loved playing together, and Sesshoumaru put up with the overly talkative and happy teen girl for his adoptive daughter's sake. The taiyoukai actually found the monk good company. He was witty and bright but also quiet and calm. Sesshoumaru enjoyed the times when he could debate issues of state or talk on current events with the man. These were things his brother found to be too boring to worry about.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru," Inuyasha called out as he approached the campfire of his brother's group.

"You are alone tonight," Sesshoumaru noted.

"Yeah, the girls are at the springs and Miroku is doing something with Shippou, so I decided to see how you were doing."

"Come with me," Sesshoumaru stated as he stood and walked to the edge of the forest. "Jaken, watch Rin," he ordered over his shoulder as the two siblings left.

The two walked in silence for awhile before Inuyasha finally spoke. "What's up? Where are we going?"

"Here will do," Sesshoumaru answered him as he sat down under a tall tree. Inuyasha sat beside him with his legs crossed, watching as his brother looked up to where the stars were just starting to appear in the sky.

"I need to tell you some things," the taiyoukai began. "About what went on between father and myself."

"What's to tell? He forced you to have sex with him. I already know this." Inuyasha placed a gentle hand on his brother's shoulder.

"No, you don't. It was not always forced," Sesshoumaru stated. He looked out into the darkening forest as he began to tell his brother one of the many similar incidents that had happened as he grew older.

"When I was a teen, probably your age, I would follow him almost nightly. I would seek him out because I wanted him and the pleasure I received from him. I would chase him over the fields, stumbling, running as fast as father ever ran after me and when I found him it was as if we were surreptitious lovers. His body was warm and I rubbed my own against it. He was something I had become addicted to. I can see that damned cock so clearly," Sesshoumaru said softly still looking into the shadows of the trees. "He positions himself behind me, me on my hands and knees panting for him and when his manhood touches me there…the feelings inside me the whole time were erotic."

Inuyasha looked at his brother in confusion. "Why are you telling me this?"

"You come to me almost nightly. You've told me you love me. I am trying to understand what you wish of me. Do you want me as well, the way I wanted father?"

Inuyasha squirmed uncomfortably. He stayed silent for a few moments. Sesshoumaru waited patiently for him to speak. What could he say? Since his brother had given him that first kiss he had wanted him, as much as he had tried to deny it in the beginning. "Yes," he finally replied, his face starting to tinge pick, his eyes anywhere but on his brother. "But it's more than that. I want more than just sex."

"Oh?" Sesshoumaru questioned raising an eyebrow.

Inuyasha blushed hotly. "I want someone that will understand me and put up with my shit. I want someone to be there for me to share my life with, the good and the bad parts. I want…"

"A mate," Sesshoumaru finished for him.

"Yeah, a mate," Inuyasha agreed quietly.

Sesshoumaru sat quietly for a few moments mulling over what his brother had just said. "So, are you asking me to become your mate?" he finally questioned the hanyou.

"When you say it like that it sounds stupid," Inuyasha grumbled. He drew circles in the dirt with his claws. "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to. I mean we can just be friends, brothers, what ever you want."

"Lovers?" Sesshoumaru questioned taking his brother's hand in his own to stop him from fidgeting.

"Are you serious? I mean…are you okay with that?" Inuyasha asked, suddenly looking into his brother's eyes to gauge if Sesshoumaru was just joking with him.

Sesshoumaru stroked his hand over Inuyasha's cheek, running his thumb over his lips, causing the hanyou to shiver at the look his brother was giving him. "You are not like father, so…perhaps," the demon said non-committaly.

The taiyoukai was slowly coming to terms with what had happened in his past. Even still, he sometimes had moments of guilt, still believing in some way that he was to blame. He had also come to feel things for his sibling, things he had not realized he could feel for another, things he wished to explore.

He leaned forward and kissed his half-brother gently. "To me this seems normal, but you do know that what we are talking about doing is wrong in the eyes of others. Twice so, as we are both male and brothers.

"I know that," Inuyasha agreed. "But I really don't care what other people think."

"Even your friends?" Sesshoumaru questioned, running his claws gently through the hanyou's white hair.

Inuyasha stared at the ground. The only one he really worried about was Kagome. He certainly didn't want to hurt her and risk losing her friendship.

"I see," Sesshoumaru stated a bit guardedly, watching the frown appear on his brother's face as he thought about it. The demon lord put his hand under Inuyasha's chin and lifted his face so he was looking at him.

"I do not know if I can love you as you want me to. I am unsure of my feelings for you, although there is something there. I wish to know what this something is so I will become your lover if that is your desire."

Inuyasha's heart picked up speed. _He just said he felt something for me. Maybe he loves me too but just doesn't know what that emotion feels like._ "Are you sure about this?" the hanyou asked. He certainly didn't want to make his brother do anything he wasn't comfortable with, but Kami he wanted him so badly. Just sitting here, so close to his beautiful sibling, feeling his fingers gently holding his face was making his stomach and groin warm.

"No, but I trust you," Sesshoumaru returned, wanting desperately to be rid of the shame his father had caused him. Maybe being with someone who loved him, someone he trusted, was the way. The demon lord tilted his head slightly causing the light to flash and reflect off his eyes.

Inuyasha sucked in a small breath, his stomach was now fluttering crazily, his skin feeling hot and tight. His eyes gently closed as his brother again brought his lips down onto his in a long, languid kiss that the hanyou wished would never have to end.

When they finally parted both of them were breathing just a little faster, their hearts pounding just a little stronger.

"This is too open of an area, we are too exposed here," Sesshoumaru breathed out. Those erotic feelings that he had had so long ago were running rampant through him now, making him frightened and excited at the same time.

Since that day when his father had died and his traumatized mind had chosen to forget, he had never wanted to be with another in any intimate way. Sex was always the furthest thing from his mind and when the opportunity had arisen, he had felt almost sick at the thought of it. Until now. The thought of being with his brother, although it was setting off feelings of deja-vu, was not unpleasant to him. It was something he wanted.

"The cave," Inuyasha almost whined. The two siblings took to the trees, running and leaping, the blood rushing through their veins until they were standing before the falls.

Once inside, the two became quite self-conscious as they looked at the large futon. Finally, Inuyasha took the initiative, not caring to hold himself back any longer from what he so desperately had been wanting. He came forward and took his brother's face in his hands, looking deeply into golden eyes. Eyes that normally showed nothing, now showed trepidation, nervousness, anticipation, desire. The hanyou kissed his sibling gently, trying to sooth his unspoken fears. He kissed him once, twice and then again as he moved backwards towards the bed, encouraging his older sibling to follow him.

They both sat on the bed, the hanyou still kissing his brother almost reverently as he let his hands explore over the broad, silk covered shoulders, roving over the back and chest of the taiyoukai.

Sesshoumaru trembled and began to feel as if he was floating away, almost as if he wasn't here on this bed being caressed by his brother. From a seemingly far away distance, he felt his sibling push him back on the bed and he lay there, completely submissive and unresponsive.

Inuyasha stopped and looked down on his brother sensing something was wrong. Sesshoumaru had a far away look in his eyes and was being uncharacteristically compliant. "Hey, are you alright?" Inuyasha questioned.

Sesshoumaru blinked a couple of times and then came back to himself. "Perhaps I was not as ready for this as I thought," he mused. He sat up, frustrated. He couldn't understand why just a little while ago he was so sure that this was what he wanted. He needed to understand these feelings and emotions that were directed at his brother, emotions he couldn't even name._ What is this? Lust? Love? Gratitude? I want to do this, why is it so hard?_

Inuyasha sat beside him, feeling frustrated himself. He wanted his brother, but he didn't want to make him do anything against his will. His throbbing groin let him know of it's frustration as well. "Let's just head back," the hanyou sighed, thinking of the brook in his forest, the one with the very cold water.

"No," the demon lord stated. He had never backed down from anything in his life and he wasn't about to start now. He leaned over and kissed his beautiful hanyou brother. This time that hazy feeling didn't descend on him. Now it was him to push the half-demon back on the bed, let his hand roam and explore his body as his tongue was exploring the warm mouth of his sibling.

Inuyasha heart was beating, racing in his chest like it was going to grow wings and fly out. He moaned gently into the kiss he was enjoying as his brother's hand stroked over the muscles along his ribcage, making them twitch. The half-demon could care less who was in control, everything just felt so good and he could sense his brother gaining confidence.

In the far recesses of his mind, the part that wasn't just experiencing the hot sensation of that wet tongue stroking against his own or those long fingers brushing against his hardened nipple, Inuyasha understood that his brother needed to be in control of the situation; something that he had never been when he was younger.

_I wonder if that's why he's such a control freak?_ the hanyou questioned in his mind before letting all thoughts go as his brothers lips left his mouth to trail and tickle down his throat. Inuyasha brought his hands up, letting his fingers twine into his brother's white hair as his body caught fire.

Sesshoumaru felt himself grow aroused for the first time in an extremely long time as he listened to the soft sounds coming from his brother as he licked and nibbled along his neck and collar bone. He put his weight on the stump of his missing arm so he could open the red haori and beige shatsu wider to allow his right hand more access to his brother's absolutely delicious body. He could feel the gentle tugging on his hair and the tingling sensation in his scalp from it and he let out an almost imperceptible sigh of enjoyment.

Inuyasha's ears flicked forward at the sound and he continued to let his fingers and claws comb through the fine as silk tresses until he felt his brother relax further. He eased the mass of hair to the side and let his claws draw patterns on the back of his brother's neck, slipping under his white haori to repeat the gestures on his back.

Sesshoumaru gasped slightly, his pupils dilating in pleasure at the feel of his sibling's gentle raking He put his forehead against his brother's shoulder and shivered. He could feel the goosebumps rising and his skin flushing as Inuyasha continued to sneak his hands under his clothing as far as he could. He had never craved the touch of another as much as he did right now. After some time he reluctantly pulled away and helped his brother remove his upper clothing and then undid the ties and fastenings on his armour.

Inuyasha leaned forward and tried to help him but became frustrated at that stupid knot on the obi. "How the hell do you untie this thing?" he questioned irritably. That damn tie was keeping him from seeing and touching his brother's naked torso and he wanted to be rid of it.

Sesshoumaru actually smiled in amusement as his grumbling brother, which made him look years younger and childishly innocent. Inuyasha stared back stupidly, his fingers unmoving on the obi, stunned by the transformation of his brother's face.

Sesshoumaru moved his brother's hands and with a twist of his fingers and a flick of his wrist the obi came apart easily. He pulled it away allowing it to slither to the floor, staring heatedly at his brother with smouldering eyes.

Inuyasha wasted no time in pulling off the armour and haori, brushing away the fluffy pelt his brother always had over his shoulder. It thumped onto the futon beside his brother's hip.

The hanyou was surprised. His brother was thinner than he would have thought, sinewy but with well defined musculature. He tentively reached out and ran his hands over the pale chest and down the six pack of abs. He let his fingers graze over the twin stripes that hugged his sibling's waist on both sides of his torso and smirked sexily when Sesshoumaru hissed in a breath and twitched at the contact to that sensitive area.

The taiyoukai returned the favour, running his hands and his molten eyes over his brother's frame which was slightly thicker in stature than his own and almost as well muscled.

The two again found themselves laying on the futon side by side, tongues battling and hands probing and testing for responses. Again Inuyasha took the initiative and ran his hand over his brother's hip and thigh letting it creep up in between his legs, distracting the full demon from his movements by sucking gently on the elfin ear.

Sesshoumaru jerked his hips into the hand that had pressed itself onto his manhood, gasping at the jolt of pleasure that swam through his lower anatomy. It was almost too much for him; he had never felt so stimulated. Even when he had been a willing and craving partner with his father, the older demon had had to work hard to rouse his son's body to respond to him. It had never felt this good, this sensual.

With a growl he pushed Inuyasha down onto his back, crawling on top of him and rubbing his straining erection against his sibling's hardness.

The hanyou moaned and thrust himself upward as his hands found his brother's rear and pulled him downward, making them both gasp out in unison at the sudden pressure of their organs pressing together. Inuyasha took ahold of the edge of his sibling's hakamas and began to tug them down to get rid of the barrier between them.

Sesshoumaru tensed and then pulled back slightly which caused Inuyasha to unthinkingly growl in annoyance.

Upon hearing that growl, the taiyoukai unconsciously reverted to the 'training' his father had bestowed on him since the time he had been two years old and he whined submissively, nuzzling under his brother's chin and licking him as a means of atonement. The now demon lord had always been the one to be taken and never the one to take another. This attitude of being non-resistant in a situation such as this was heavily ingrained into his psyche.

This reaction caused Inuyasha to widen his eyes in absolute astonishment. He couldn't understand why his brother, who was always strong and a definite alpha, would acquiesce to him. He found himself not only being perplexed by his sibling's behaviour, but excited by it as well. His inner demon puffed up like a proud peacock and the hanyou hummed in appreciation as he flipped his brother over onto his back, pulling off the offending hakamas before quickly removing his own.

Sesshoumaru began to detach himself from the proceedings, that feeling of deja-vu too strong for him to deal with. He laid on the futon quietly, allowing his brother to do as he willed. The passion he had been feeling just moments ago beginning to dissipate.

At first Inuyasha was too involved in enjoying looking over and touching the totally nude body of his brother to notice that something had changed, but as he ran his hands and lips over the motionless form beneath him, he soon realized that his sibling was being far too still and quiet. He looked up quizzically from where he had been nipping at his brother's stomach to see a glazed, slack expression on the demon's face and frowned in confusion before comprehension dawned on him. _Gaaa! I'm so stupid,_ he admonished himself.

The way he saw it, he had three choices here. He could just take his brother and to hell with the consequences, something his youkai was thinking was a damn good idea; he could just stop everything all together, something he himself and his demon didn't think much of; or he could become the submissive one and at least get some sort of relief. In the span of half a millisecond, he decided on option number three.

The hanyou slipped off his brother, laying beside him and mimicked the gesture the demon lord had done to him. He whined and licked his tongue under his siblings chin. He further showed his submissiveness by flattening his ears. He whined again. _Come on, Sesshoumaru, _he thought, _get a clue here._

Sesshoumaru's daze was quickly being replaced by bewilderment, and then by heated interest as his canine instincts responded to the hanyou's fawning. He rolled over onto his side, wrapping his arm possessively around the half-demon as he nibbled and tugged on a furry ear, a deep, purring growl emanating from his chest.

Inuyasha's breath hitched in small gasps at the pleasurable flare of heat that raced down his spine to burn hotly between his legs. _Yes! _ He celebrated internally at his ability to bring his brother back to him. He cried out loud as his brother's hand curled around his manhood and began to stoke his aching member teasingly slow. The hanyou turned over so he was lying on his side in front of his brother. Sesshoumaru was spooned behind him, still fondling and rubbing his now wet and weeping erection. He could feel the demon's hardened member pressing against his rear and he ground his hips back into his brother, a low moan rasping out from between his clenched teeth.

Sesshoumaru licked and bit at the back of his brother's shoulder and neck, thrusting forward with his hips, growling out a throaty groan of his own. He began to pump faster on his brother's organ.

Inuyasha couldn't hold it any longer and as his brother's fingers dragged across the sensitive tip of his manhood he came, groaning and gasping loudly, his body exploding and arching into that wonderful hand.

Sesshoumaru gave a pleased smirk as his sibling lay trying to catch his breath, coming down from the intense pleasure he had just experienced. The demon lord moved his hand to between his brother's cheeks, pressing a finger that was slick from the hanyou's release gently into the tight opening.

Inuyasha grunted at the intrusion but his brother was being tender, easing his digit in and out delicately, coaxing the tight muscles to soften and relax.

The demon lord inserted a second cum laden finger, searching and reaching until he found the bundle of nerves deep inside his brother.

Inuyasha choked out a breathy puff of air as hot tendrils of pleasure snaked through his body and his mind. He pressed his hips back, mewling in enjoyment, encouraging his brother to repeat the sensation. It wasn't long until the hanyou was again hard. He didn't even notice when Sesshoumaru added a third finger, the blissful feelings coursing though him and over riding any painful ones.

Sesshoumaru scissored and spread his fingers inside his brother, further stretching him out. When he knew he was going to be as ready as he could be, the taiyoukai removed his digits to the dismay of his younger brother, replacing them with the tip of his manhood.

"Inuyasha, you have to keep breathing and stay relaxed," he instructed his sibling in a whisper. "It will hurt less if you do." This was something the demon lord knew from long experience and he didn't want to make this first encounter for his brother painful.

Inuyasha nodded. "Just get on with it," he panted out. _How bad could it be? _He asked himself. At first he felt a throbbing fullness as Sesshoumaru pressed himself into him, which wasn't so bad, but it soon turned to a pinching and then a burning pain that ran from inside him up into his lower back. He gasped and squinted his eyes closed, unconsciously holding his breath and tightening his muscles.

Sesshoumaru felt his brother's muscles contract around him, and his body go rigid and stiff. The demon used his thumb on one of the pressure points on Inuyasha's back, massaging it using a circling motion. "Take a breath, otouto," he murmured softly into his ear.

The hanyou let out the breath he was holding and took a shaky breath in. He opened his eyes when he realized that the pain was quickly disappearing. His eyelids soon drooped to half mast as his body began to relax under the manipulation of that kneading thumb. _He called me otouto, _the hanyou thought happily. This had been the first time his brother had ever acknowledged him in that way and it made his heart sing.

Sesshoumaru continued to push himself into his brother, constantly manipulating that pressure point until he was fully inside the lovely heat of his sibling's body, holding himself perfectly still until he felt Inuyasha relax further around his hardened flesh.

Both brothers moaned as blissful pleasure coursed through their bodies, heavenly repercussions of the taiyoukai's thrusting movements. Sesshoumaru kept the pace slow and easy until he felt Inuyasha was ready for a bit more. He shifted behind the hanyou, coming in at a different angle so he was prodding the sensitive organ within his brother with every lunge forward. He wound his arm around his sibling's chest, pulling him back tighter towards him, burying his face into the mass of hair at his lover's neck as he increased the speed and force of flexing hips.

Inuyasha began to work with his brother, matching him thrust for thrust until they were both heaving and sweating, their pace frenzied, their breathing heavy and erratic.

Sesshoumaru again encircled his brother's manhood with his hand, trying to coax his brother into releasing again. The demon lord was good, he had had years of instruction and practice, so it didn't take long before the hanyou was having his second orgasm, shooting his seed forcefully onto the bed and his brother's hand.

Hearing the cries of ecstasy and feeling those tight muscles constrict and flex around his throbbing length was all it took for Sesshoumaru as he joined his sibling with his own pounding climax, holding himself deep within his brother's solace, gasping out his sibling's name, until he finished.

They lay that way for a few moments, the demon spooned behind the hanyou, both still entwined together and enjoying the affects of afterglow. Finally, Sesshoumaru slipped his softening organ out of his brother's body, but kept his arm possessively over his sibling as he closed his eyes, feeling satiated and relaxed.

"You okay?" Inuyasha asked when he didn't feel any movement behind him, worried that his brother had drifted off in his mind again.

"Yes," Sesshoumaru said groggily. He was feeling pleasantly tired and snuggled himself a little tighter into his brother's back. "Thank you," he sighed out almost too softly for Inuyasha to hear before he fell asleep.

Inuyasha reached out and entwined his fingers with his brothers as he let his own eyes drop shut. "You're welcome," he replied drowsily, falling asleep himself in the protective embrace of his demon sibling.


	13. Revised Chapter 13

Revised Chapter 13

Sesshoumaru sat up with a start, knocking Inuyasha off his chest where he had been sleeping.

"What's going on?" the hanyou asked groggily. Inuyasha wiped his hand over his face to try and wake up a little more.

"Just a dream," Sesshoumaru sighed out dejectedly. He hated waking up like this, the dreams were bothering him less and less, but still, when he had one, it left him feeling small and terrified for a few moments before he could gain control over himself.

"Want to talk about it?" Inuyasha questioned, sitting up fully.

"Not really," Sesshoumaru intoned dully. "It's just more of the same."

Inuyasha sat behind his brother and began to massage his tense shoulders. He leaned forward and gave his sibling a light kiss on the side of his neck. "You know I'm here for you, you can tell me anything," the hanyou comforted.

Sesshoumaru smiled, "I know," he returned. The taiyoukai closed his eyes and let his brother sooth out the knots and kinks from his shoulders and neck.

They stayed that way for a few minutes more, relaxing in the comfortable silence and listening to the birds as they woke from their slumber. Inuyasha stopped rubbing his brother's shoulders and draped his arms over them, clasping his hands in front of the taiyoukai's chest. "Feel better?" he asked.

"Yes," Sesshoumaru replied, as he put his hand over his brother's combined pair. "You should get going before the others come looking for you."

"I know you don't want me to bug you about this, but why don't we just combine our groups? It would be a lot easier."

"Inuyasha, I've told you, no," Sesshoumaru returned a bit testily. He was getting so tired of this same argument.

"It's been over a month. Don't you want to be with me?" Inuyasha scowled, he too was finding this whole thing bothersome. Trekking back and forth between camps was a nuisance as far as he was concerned and he didn't understand why Sesshoumaru was so adamantly against being with his friends, and by association, him.

"It's not that and you know it," Sesshoumaru stated with annoyance. "Besides, how do you think your friends would react to the two of us? I assume you still haven't told them."

Inuyasha's face flushed with a mixture of anger and embarrassment. "They don't have to know every little thing I do you know," he groused.

Sesshoumaru snorted derisively, "No, but this is not a little thing now, is it?" The demon lord stood from the comfort of the blankets they had put down on the soft ground the night before. He looked down as his sibling who was staring at the blades of grass in front of him. The taiyoukai sighed at the sadness he could see hiding behind the anger in those golden eyes. "Be content with what we have," he said softly, reaching his hand out to help his brother to his feet. "Being able to trust in someone, to show my emotions, it's all very new to me and confusing. Be patient with me, otouto."

"Alright," Inuyasha sighed out, his anger leaving him. "I'll wait for now, but we do need to talk about what's going to happen with us. I told you before that I wanted more than just sex."

Sesshoumaru nodded and began to dress himself. He hugged his brother before he could leave. "Don't be angry, Inuyasha. Give me some time."

"I'm not angry," Inuyasha stated. He leaned over and kissed his brother softly on the lips. "I love you," he whispered when they parted. The hanyou then left, wondering if his brother would ever be ready to say those words to him.

"What do you mean you're leaving?" Inuyasha asked his brother as they lay nude in the thicket of tall grass.

Sesshoumaru sat up and began to dress. "I have duties to attend to in the Southern Lands. I have a meeting with the lord there," he explained patiently.

It had been almost three months since the brothers had become lovers, and this would be the first time that the two would be separated for more than a couple of days. The taiyoukai still refused to join the hanyou's group, much to his younger sibling's aggravation, but they managed to spend almost every evening together until the sun would rise and Inuyasha would again return to his friends.

"How long are you going to be gone?" Inuyasha questioned a bit quietly.

"No more than a week." Sesshoumaru looked over to his pouting brother and smirked. "Are you going to miss my lovemaking that much?" he teased.

"Sesshoumaru!" Inuyasha yelped out with a hot blush rising to his cheeks, causing his older brother to laugh. This was something that the taiyoukai was now capable of. He had been learning, since being with his brother, to let down his defences and not be afraid to show his emotions, to let others know his heart. The half-demon never got tired of hearing that deep, husky sound and he smiled in spite of his embarrassment.

Inuyasha sighed, his grin disappearing, knowing there was nothing he could do about it. His brother was still Lord of the Western Lands and had certain responsibilities that demanded his time and attention. The hanyou figured his sibling had probably put off things he should have taken care of earlier in order to meet with him most nights. He picked up his clothing and began to dress as well, his back turned to the taiyoukai. The hanyou was still a bit disconcerted that they didn't seem to be moving forward in their relationship. They had still to talk over things and he was surprised when he felt a strong arm encircling him from behind, breaking him out of his thoughts.

"I'll miss you too, otouto," Sesshoumaru whispered into his ear. The demon moved the hanyou's unruly hair and gave him a kiss on the back of his neck before releasing him.

Inuyasha smiled happily at the tenderness he received from his brother, deciding he could wait until the taiyoukai returned to talk to him.

Sesshoumaru watched as his hanyou brother gave him a wave and walked away, back to his friends and his search for the shikon shards before turning himself to head back to Rin and Jaken so they could be on their way.

Sniffing the air, a young adult wolf demoness popped her head up from the meadow of tall grass where she had unsuccessfully been trying to dig a rabbit out of its hole. She had definitely caught the scent of a human. She looked around, her yellow/green eyes landing on the small human child that was happily and ignorantly picking flowers.

Normally, the ookami would have not hesitated to hunt down and eat a human, especially if they were on their own, but this child reminded her of her young sister who had only recently passed away. The human even wore her hair the same way, in a small ponytail on the side of her head.

The black haired wolf stood so the girl would be able to see her and walked towards her, curious as to why such a small child would be out in the middle of nowhere on her own.

Rin's hand froze before she could pick the flower she had been going for, her eyes going large as a twinge of fear ran through her. She straightened and warily watched the wolf demon approach, her heart tripping in her chest like a running rabbit. She was just about to turn and flee back to Jaken when the ookami stopped and tilted her head in curiosity in a very canine and puppyish way.

"Are you lost, child?" the demoness asked. She stopped moving towards the little girl when she sensed the child's nervousness. "I won't hurt you. Do you need help to find your way home?"

"No, I know where I am," Rin answered. The small girl was beginning to calm, but was still hesitant to trust the ookami, even though this wolf didn't seem to want to hurt her. Rin looked around the meadow to see if any others were around.

"I'm the only one here," the ookami explained, noticing how the little girl's eyes darted around nervously. The wolf bent over and started picking some flowers, keeping her movements non-threatening so as not to further alarm the wide eyed girl. "What's your name?"

"Rin," the little girl answered as she watched the demoness pick the different colored blossoms, holding her own bouquet close to her chest.

"I'm Shorai," the wolf answered. She picked a large blue flower and held it up for Rin to see. "This one's nice, don't you think?"

Rin smiled and walked over to the female wolf, her naturally friendly temperament taking over, allowing her careless demeanour to return. "It's very pretty," she agreed and began to pick flowers with her new friend.

Now that the human female was closer to her, Shorai could definitely see the similarities between this human child and her young demon sister. Both had dark hair and eyes, they were about the same height and age, and both had that wonderfully innocent smile. The ookami's eyes stated to water as she thought of her little sister.

"Is something wrong?" Rin asked when she noticed the tears in the wolf's eyes.

"You remind me of someone that I miss, that's all," Shorai answered, quickly wiping her face and passing Rin the blue flower. The child tucked it into the middle of her growing bouquet.

"If you miss them then you should go see them," Rin replied, pleased at her logic.

Shorai put her hand on the child's shoulder and gave her a sad smile. "She's dead so I can't see her anymore."

"Oh," Rin returned her happiness now subdued.

"Don't be sad," Shorai told her. "She's in a good place now and I'll get to see her someday when it's my turn to cross to the other side."

"Really?" Rin asked, thinking of her own parents. "Do you think I'll get to see people I miss when I die?"

The wolf demoness gave the child an inquiring look. "Yes, I'm sure you will," she answered patting the child's shoulder. "But we don't have to worry about that for a long time yet. Now, who are you picking all these lovely flowers for, your mother?"

"No," Rin answered sadly. She soon perked up. "They're for Lord Sesshoumaru," she said with a smile.

_Ah, her mother must be the one she's missing, _the ookami thought, realizing that Rin's mother must be dead. "Lord Sesshoumaru?" Shorai questioned. "Never heard of him." That didn't surprise the wolf, she really didn't keep up on which human was in power in which lands. _I wonder if he's her father. Funny this child would be out all alone if she's the daughter of a lord. I wonder if she ran away. I guess it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on her._

Shorai suddenly stiffened, lifting her head and sniffing the air, her thoughts interrupted. She could feel the aura of a demon, a powerful one and it was approaching fast. "Get behind me, Rin," she ordered as she prepared herself to protect the little girl. As the demon advanced towards her, the wolf growled, baring her teeth and standing between the white haired male inu and her little friend, her heart pounding in her chest. _His aura is so strong. I hope I can keep him from hurting Rin._ She was really starting to regret not taking a weapon with her when she had left her pack, especially when she noticed that this demon had two swords hanging at his side.

"Lord Sesshoumaru," Rin cried out happily, running out from behind the demoness to greet her lord, holding out the bouquet of flowers she had picked. "I picked these for you. Shorai picked the blue one," she told him.

Shorai stood up from her defensive crouch, blinking in confusion, the hairs on her black tail smoothing back down. _That's Lord Sesshoumaru?_ "You know this demon, Rin?" she asked as she warily took stock of the handsome inu who had taken the flowers from the child and was now looking at her.

"Yes, this is Lord Sesshoumaru, he takes care of Rin," the little girl told her, giving her a toothy grin. "Oh, this is Shorai-chan," she announced, remembering her manners and introducing her adoptive father to her new friend.

The two canines stood staring at each other; Shorai in perplexed befuddlement, Sesshoumaru in silent appraisal. _Leave it to Rin to make friends with anyone and everyone, _the demon lord thought. "You tried to protect her from me," Sesshoumaru stated. He had been mildly impressed by this, as she had to have known that there was no way for her to defeat him, yet she had put herself between him and Rin, growling and snarling as if she was the child's own mother.

"My apologies, my lord," Shorai returned, remembering her own manners. She bowed respectfully before the demon lord, thankful that she wouldn't have to fight him after all. She knew, though, that she better do some schmoozing if she didn't want to anger this powerful lord. "I did not know she was yours."

Sesshoumaru glanced around the meadow, ignoring the comment. "Where is the rest of your pack?"

"I don't have a pack," Shorai stated as she straightened from her bow. She pushed her long, black hair back behind her. "I'm a lone wolf."

Sesshoumaru quirked an eyebrow at her in disbelief, even as an inu youkai, he knew that lone wolves were always male, but he decided it really wasn't his business. He looked at her for a moment longer; off handedly thinking she was rather pretty before he turned without saying a word. He started back to the campsite where he had left his green retainer and Rin when he went to speak to the lord of the Southern Lands.

Rin began to follow her master and then turned to wave goodbye to her friend. Even she didn't miss the sad look on the ookami's face and the little girl frowned in thought. She ran to catch up to her lord.

Shorai sighed as the two disappeared into the forest and out of sight, the little girl running to catch up to the demon, who was still holding the spray of flowers. She realized that she had been hoping that the child had no one to go to so that maybe she could have stayed with her. _Well I guess I better find something to eat, _she thought, suddenly feeling very lonely. She left the meadow to continue to hunt.

Rin sat quietly by the fire, putting the flowers in a small vase that she carried with her, tucked into her kimono. She always picked fresh flowers to put in it so they would always have something pretty to look at when they camped. She was currently twirling the blue flower that her wolf friend had given her in her fingers with a thoughtful and sad look on her face.

"Is something the matter, Rin?" Sesshoumaru asked, noticing how quiet his little girl had gotten since they had returned to the camp. He was planning on spending the night here and then travelling the rest of the day tomorrow to get back to find his brother. The meeting had taken longer than he had expected and he missed his sibling quite a bit since they had parted.

"I was just thinking of Sho-chan," Rin replied, giving the wolf a nickname. She came over to sit by her lord. "She doesn't have anybody to be with her."

"I am sure she will be fine," Sesshoumaru stated.

"Don't bother our lord with such foolishness," Jaken squawked, overhearing the conversation. He wasn't entirely sure what they were talking about, but it sounded like it had something to do with that wolf demon Rin had run into. His lord had been most displeased with the toad for not keeping a better eye on the little girl and allowing her to wander off on her own. He rubbed the back of his head where the large lump was still painfully throbbing away. "The wellbeing of a dumb wolf is of no concern to Lord Sesshoumaru," he stated forcefully.

"She's not dumb," Rin cried out, angry at the toad.

Sesshoumaru gave the imp a sharp look, which quieted his green mouth in a hurry. He bowed and shuffled off out of head smacking range.

Rin was quietly sniffing, looking at the ground.

"Perhaps we shall see if we can locate her tomorrow," Sesshoumaru offered to stop the small girls tears. He leaned forward and wiped her face with the sleeve of his haori.

Rin looked up at him with a huge smile and gave her lord a big hug. She passed him the blue flower which she still had in her hand. Saying goodnight to him, she went off to her blanket.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Sesshoumaru soon found the wolf by following the scent of blood. She was sitting under a tree digging at a wound in her upper thigh, whining softly.

_Damn humans and their stupid guns. They had like fifty chickens, you'd think they wouldn't care about one scrawny one,_ she thought as she continued to carefully dig for the bullet._ And I still didn't get anything to eat._ She jerked her head up when she felt that familiar strong demon aura. The inu lord from yesterday was standing not ten feet from her staring at her. Rin was with him as well as some small green thing that was scowling at her.

Sesshoumaru came forward and crouched down by the wolf and took a look at the wound. He could see that the ookami had been trying to dig out the bullet that was lodged in the flesh.

Shorai tried to sit still and not cry out as the demon lord inserted his claw into the hole and popped the bullet out. She felt a wave of dizziness wash over her and she gritted her teeth determined not to pass out. "Thank you, Lord Sesshoumaru," she replied when the world stopped spinning. He was still sitting close to her, staring into her eyes. She fidgeted and blushed when he didn't say anything.

"Are you all better now, Sho-chan?" Rin asked, breaking the moment. Sesshoumaru stood and walked over to the small stream just off the path to wash the ookami's blood off his hand.

"Yes, I'm fine," Shorai answered kindly.

Thanks to her youki, the hole in her leg was beginning to close over and heal. Grimacing slightly, the wolf stood and limped over to the stream to clean her leg. _Damn, that still stings,_ she grumped to herself. She glanced over at the taiyoukai as he finished washing and began to walk away, the two small beings right behind him. _He doesn't say much, does he? _She thought wondering why such a strong demon would have a child and an imp tagging along with him. _Must be the strong, silent type,_ she sighed.

He stopped and, without looking back, gave a soft woof of invitation before proceeding on. The sound had been so quiet at first that Shorai wasn't sure if she had even heard it. She rose to her feet and followed anyways; she had nowhere else to go and she might as well go nowhere with them.

And just like that, Sesshoumaru had another travelling companion.

_Where the hell is he? He said he was only going to be a week,_ Inuyasha grumbled to himself. His brother was two days late already. The other members of his group had been giving the irritated hanyou a wide berth as they had been on the receiving end of his anger a couple of times already today and weren't inclined to want a repeat. Well, everyone except Kagome.

"What's the matter with you today, Inuyasha?" she asked. The concern in her voice was overshadowed by annoyance. The half-demon had made Shippou cry earlier by grabbing his crayons earlier, saying his coloring was too loud. How anybody could color too loud was beyond Kagome and she had had to weasel the crayons back from the hanyou. After sitting him firmly, she then consoled an upset kitsune, promising to bring him new ones because one of them had been broken. Miroku and Sango had wisely gone for a walk at the first hint of conflict.

Inuyasha folded his arms across his chest and scowled. He hadn't meant to break the stupid crayon. After a few moments he unfolded his arms and sighed. _I'm doing it again, taking my bad mood out on them,_ he thought guiltily. "Let's go," he said to the surprised teen girl as he headed off to the shops in the market.

"Where are we going?" Kagome asked curiously.

Inuyasha didn't answer. Grabbing her hand, he pulled the miko behind him as he cut through the crowd to one of the shops selling different colored inks and brushes. Kagome smiled when she saw what he was buying.

"That will make Shippou happy," she grinned. "This is really nice of you, Inuyasha."

"Feh," Inuyasha huffed out. "I'm just tired of him whining about that dumb crayon. I'm just getting this stuff to shut him up." Kagome's smile widened.

The two teens spent the rest of the morning together, browsing though the different shops in the village, talking and laughing. At lunch, they lounged on Kaede's porch, eating the rice balls they had bought earlier and sharing them with Shippou. The young kitsune was happily painting away, getting more ink in his fur than on the paper. Inuyasha's mood was greatly improved over how it had been earlier in the day.

"Let's go for a swim," Shippou piped up, glad that his hanyou friend seemed to be in a good mood for a change.

It had gotten fairly warm; Inuyasha struggled to lift the hair that was clinging to the back of his neck. The two older members of the threesome grew tired of fanning themselves and soon they were all down at the village swimming hole enjoying the cool water and each others company. Inuyasha was having such a good time, that for the first time in over a week, he wasn't thinking of his brother at all.

It was late into the next evening when Sesshoumaru and his group made it to the campsite near his brother's village. He wanted to go see his sibling, but he knew everyone would be asleep and he wasn't keen to go into the village itself.

He looked over as Shorai came walking in behind Jaken. Rin was sitting on her shoulders; her cheek resting on the top of the ookami's head, fast asleep. It didn't look very comfortable in the taiyoukai's eyes, but neither girl had complained about it, so he guessed it couldn't be that bad.

Rin seemed to have latched herself onto the wolf. This surprised him. His little girl was usually terrified of wolves, demon or animal. He wondered what this wolf demon had done to gain such trust from the child.

"Give her to me," he said quietly so he wouldn't wake the little human.

Shorai leaned back so he could take the child off her shoulders and then straightened, twisting her head from side to side to get the kinks out of her neck. She noticed that green imp was still glaring at her as if he'd like to skin her alive. She stuck her tongue out at the creature as the demon lord went to put Rin in her blanket and tried to hold in her grin, her lips twitching slightly as his eyes narrowed even further in irritation.

She stretched and headed over to the pile of half burnt wood that was lying in a hollow of earth. Picking up a couple of stones that looked like they'd make a good spark when struck together, she squatted down and scratched the flints against one another. She soon had the fire going and sat beside it, looking at the quiet inu demon as he reclined against the trunk of a tree, the toad not far away. She had been curious about the white haired demon since joining his little band. He hadn't spoken much, but she didn't really mind. The males of her former pack were always too boisterous and loud, so the peace and quiet of this fellow was a relief.

Shorai was about to go over and speak to him, when he suddenly just appeared at her side and sat down beside her. _Jeeze he's a quiet one, better than me even. _"So…what are you a lord of?" she asked curiously.

"The Western Lands," he replied and then asked a question of his own. "Why are you not with your pack?"

"The whole Western Lands?" she asked in shock, too surprised to answer his question. That was a huge territory. This guy was more powerful than she had first thought if he controlled that much terrain.

She had never taken much notice of politics and which lords were in control. She was from the South; she knew who ran that area and that was good enough for her. She decided that maybe it would be a good idea if she started to take more of an interest.

"Yes. Now answer my question," he stated.

Shorai drew her knees up her chest and wrapped her arms around them as she gazed into the fire. "I told you, I don't have a pack." The flames popped and hissed in the dead space that followed.

"If you wish to continue with us you will tell me the truth," Sesshoumaru told her firmly.

"I left them," she replied. He was about to ask her why, but she started to speak again. "My sister died. She was born small, a runt, and would have been abandoned but I took care of her. She was always frail though and eventually she just got weaker and weaker. Things like that happen, right? Survival of the fittest and all that," the ookami intoned sadly. "Your Rin reminds me of her."

"Our parents and the others in our pack just left us alone. They didn't outright ostracize us, but they didn't help us either, which was fine, but after she died the elders were going to send me to the wolf pack in the Northern Mountains to become mated to the leader there. My sister was barely in the ground and they wanted to sell me off just to make some kind of land deal." _I suppose they thought it a good way to get rid of the black sheep of the pack as well_, she thought a bit angrily.

"That is not uncommon," Sesshoumaru replied. He had seen many houses combined in such a way, "hardly a reason to leave."

"Yes it was," Shorai proclaimed. "If I'm to be mated to someone I want it to be someone I love and someone that loves me, not because of some stupid land or political ploy. I don't want to be just someone's concubine. I want more than that," she finished, reminding Sesshoumaru of the very words his brother had spoken.

Her take on how the world should work is one of the many things that got her in trouble with the elders. They were fairly old fashioned on their view of things and the young ookami was always pushing them to change their old ways, something they didn't feel they had to do. After all, things had been working fine just the way they were.

She looked over at the taiyoukai. "Do you think that's wrong, that it's selfish of me to think that way? Would you want to have someone tell you who you could or could not be with, make you do things you don't want to do?"

This Sesshoumaru understood all too well. "No, no one should be forced to do things against their will."

Shorai smiled at the inu demon. "That's what I think as well."

The two continued to talk, enjoying each others company and getting to know one another until the sun began to rise. For the first time in over a week Sesshoumaru didn't have his sibling on his mind.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

"Can we go too?" Shippou asked when Inuyasha turned to leave, wanting to accompany the dog demon as he checked for his brother's return. Kagome was standing beside the kit with a smile, hoping that she too might get to go.

"I guess so," Inuyasha returned a bit sourly. He wanted to get a chance to see his brother by himself, but since it was afternoon, they wouldn't get a chance to be alone until the evening anyways. That too was contingent up whether or not his sibling was even back.

Kagome grabbed Inuyasha's hand and gave him a big smile. He couldn't help but smile back at her cheerfulness. "Come on, Inuyasha. Shippou just misses Rin," she winked.

The kitsune turned beet red. "I do not," he replied defiantly, which only caused Kagome to giggle at him and Inuyasha to roll his eyes.

"Sure, sure," the hanyou teased as they walked down the road. He didn't let go of Kagome's hand until they got closer to his brother's camp.

Sesshoumaru turned his regal head to look down the path as soon as he heard the unmistakable voice of his brother.

"Do so," Inuyasha stated yet again, still using that sing-songy voice that was driving Shippou crazy.

"Do not," yelped the kitsune using the same reply he had been giving since they left to go to Sesshoumaru's camp.

Kagome's cheerfulness was now somewhat muted. She was sure she was going to have a huge headache and hoped she had remembered to pack her Tylenol. "Oh," the teen girl uttered in surprise, causing Inuyasha and Shippou to stop their infantile argument.

One group of three looked in surprise at the other group of four. "Who's that?" Shippou whispered, staring at the lovely wolf demon that was standing beside the demon lord. Inuyasha narrowed his eyes; he wanted to know the answer to that as well.

"Inuyasha," Sesshoumaru greeted, his eyes lighting up at seeing his brother. Quickly, he controlled his features as he noticed the other two members of his sibling's group staring at him in curiosity. In an attempt to cover the silence, the demon lord decided that some introductions were in order. "This is Shorai. Shorai, this is my brother, Inuyasha."

"Pleased to meet you," the wolf demoness stated as she bowed. _A hanyou brother? This Sesshoumaru is just full of surprises, _she thought.

"Hi," the hanyou returned, feeling a bit weird at having someone bow to him. "This is Kagome and Shippou," he told her when she straightened.

Kagome gave the wolf girl a smile and a wave, Shippou gave a small, polite bow.

"Shippou," Rin cried out, happy to see her friend. "Can we go play, Sesshoumaru-sama?" the small girl asked as she started to dance in a circle.

The demon lord nodded, prompting the two to dash off to an adult free location. Shippou pulled out the inks and brushes he had brought with him to show them to the small human. It wasn't long before the two smaller members of the group were happily coloring and chatting away.

Sesshoumaru watched the two with a thoughtful look on his face. "We may have things to discuss in the future," he told his brother.

Inuyasha looked at him quizzically. "Huh?" he asked.

"Nevermind for now," Sesshoumaru returned, realizing his brother's confusion. Kagome looked quizzically at the taiyoukai and then at the kids before understanding dawned on her.

Shorai had a huge grin on her face as the teen miko caught her eye. She had figured out what Sesshoumaru had been thinking as well. _So he's a matchmaker as well, _the wolf thought. _I'm just finding out all sorts of interesting things about this demon. I think I'm beginning to really like this guy._

The group went and sat at the camp. Jaken, off from the rest, kept an eye on the two youngsters, trying as hard as he could to look displeased with his duty.

"Sesshoumaru?" Inuyasha questioned his brother as they sat together on the hill that evening, finally able to get some time alone.

"Ummm?"

"Who is that wolf?" Inuyasha had chased the uncertainty he felt from his voice, but his ears betrayed him by splaying backwards.

"You know who she is, I introduced you earlier today," Sesshoumaru returned. He had suspected this day might come, but for whatever reason, he had never made any preparations for it. _How very unlike me, _he mused.

"That's not what I meant and you know it," Inuyasha grumbled as he began to frown. They had been sitting out here for almost an hour both making small talk. Sesshoumaru seemed a bit standoffish and the hanyou was beginning to feel awkward.

"Jealous?" Sesshoumaru smirked, trying to joke his way out of answering the question.

"No………maybe," the hanyou returned. He stood and looked down on his brother, forcing the taiyoukai to stare at him head on. "Why is she with you?"

"Rin likes her," Sesshoumaru answered after a slight hesitation.

"That's it? The hanyou's head swam with a million emotions, but he could not name a single one. "You let her follow you around because Rin likes her?" Inuyasha growled out. It was as if the hanyou didn't believe what his brother was saying. He had noticed that pause before his sibling had answered him. Worry began to nibble at the back of his mind and heart, filling that silent space with a thousand unspoken words.

"Inuyasha, this is our first time alone together in over a week, why spoil it by fighting?" Sesshoumaru pleaded as he continued to sit on the ground, looking up at his hanyou brother.

"Do you love me, Sesshoumaru?" Inuyasha asked instead. He looked out over the hill they had been sitting on waiting for his brother to answer him, the breeze gently blowing his hair. In fact, on this night, Inuyasha had never looked so breathtaking with the hidden fires pooling behind his eyes.

_Kami-sama,_ the demon thought. _This is going to hurt him, but I cannot live with him. I cannot damage him the way I was. _

"How do you want me to answer that?" Sesshoumaru sighed. The week away from Inuyasha had given him time to think about his life, about what he truly wanted now and the addition of the ookami to his small group had helped him to make up his mind. He had hoped that he would have had more time to prepare himself and his brother for what he knew he was going to have to do. _I am foolish for thinking you would have patience in matters of the heart, brother. _

"I do not think you are going to like my answer to that question," the demon lord said carefully.

Inuyasha sat on the ground beside his sibling again. "Do you love that wolf?" he asked quietly, picking at the grass in front of him.

Again there was a slight hesitation. Inuyasha could see the worry in Sesshoumaru's mind as he tried to knit together a response that would satisfy both of them. "No, I do not love her. I have only just met her."

"But you'd like to get to know her better," Inuyasha proclaimed a bit jealously. He was frowning now and pulling the grass out in clumps.

Sesshoumaru took Inuyasha's hand and squeezed it to stop him from destroying the landscape. The hanyou jolted forward in surprise at first, but then met his brother's eyes in a transfixed wide-eyed emotion.

"Let me ask you…do you think I deserve to be happy?" Sesshoumaru queried.

"Yes, of course. Why would you ask something like that?" Inuyasha fought to control the beast that was now churning somersaults inside of him.

"Even if I am happy with someone else…someone other than you?" Sesshoumaru grabbed the half demon's chin to be sure Inuyasha was looking at him, so he could read the expressions on his younger brother's face.

Inuyasha looked into his brother's golden eyes not knowing what to say. He really did love his brother and wanted to be with him. He wanted more than just these lover's trysts they had, but whenever he had pressed for a stronger commitment in their relationship, Sesshoumaru had backed off. It was frustrating. It was if the more he got to know his demon sibling, the larger the enigma that was Sesshoumaru grew.

"Inuyasha, I would like to get to know Shorai better. I will be frank with you. I like her."

"What about us? Did all this mean nothing to you?" Inuyasha questioned a bit angrily. He slapped Sesshoumaru's hand from his face, but the older inu just pulled him closer.

"What we have is special to me and I will always treasure the time we've spent together…and you. You have done what you said you would, you have saved me." Sesshoumaru ran his hand gently over his brother's cheek. "You have taught me what love is, but I do not wish to continue being your lover."

Inuyasha looked at his brother in shock. He had not been expecting this at all. "You…you're leaving me?" the hanyou stammered.

"What we are doing is not good for either of us," Sesshoumaru tried to explain. "I know you have strong feelings towards the miko girl, as she has them for you. One only has to watch the two of you together to see that."

Inuyasha tried to deny it, but his brother cut him off. "Inuyasha, do not lie to yourself. It is plain for all to see that you care for that girl. If we continue, one day you will regret being with me, you will resent me because you should have been with her," he hissed. He hated to use such tones with his brother, but their relationship always had and always would carry currents of conflict.

"That's not true…" Inuyasha started to say.

Sesshoumaru frowned at his younger sibling. "Then, shall I become like father and shall you turn into me?" the demon asked furiously.

Inuyasha looked away, his lower lip quivering. The demon lord's voice and eyes softened, "I do not wish that for you, brother. You deserve better." _I cannot treat you as father treated me. _"Do you not think that I should have a chance at a normal relationship?" Sesshoumaru continued gently. "I have only been with two beings in my entire lifetime, father and you. I want more than an incestuous affair that can only end in heartache. I want children, grandchildren and a mate that will not one day regret what has passed and yearn for what might have been. Do I not deserve that?"

"Sesshoumaru, I couldn't stand it if you weren't with me," Inuyasha replied, hanging his head.

"I will not abandon you. I will always be your brother, otouto. I will always be there for you." Sesshoumaru hugged his arm around the hanyou, pulling him closer. "But we cannot continue this."

The demon lowered his voice and spoke gently into Inuyasha's ear. "Take Kagome as your mate. Fate has put her in your life for a reason; do not toss her aside so easily. Give me nieces and nephews to spoil. Live a good life. That will make me happy as well."

"Niisan," Inuyasha whispered as tears began to sting his eyes. He lowered his head into his brother's chest so the demon wouldn't see.

Sesshoumaru lifted his brother's face and gently used a clawed finger to wipe away the wetness at the corner of his sibling's eye. "We have come a long way from where we were, but we have gone from one extreme to the other. Perhaps we should meet in the middle as brothers and friends."

Inuyasha nodded his head. He wanted his brother to be happy, to have a normal life, something Sesshoumaru had never had. He also knew that his sibling was right. He had always had an affection for Kagome; maybe he should give her a chance, find out what exactly he did feel for her. She certainly deserved that much at least.

Sesshoumaru gave his brother one of those all too rare smiles that transformed him from the cold lord of the west into the caring, boyish beauty that had always been hidden behind the painful effects of his father's love. It was a face that always made Inuyasha's breath catch and his heart beat faster, now was no different.

"So this is it then," the hanyou said sadly.

"I'm afraid so. I am leaving tomorrow to continue to search for Naraku. I will aid you whenever you need it. I will never be far away," Sesshoumaru responded.

"I guess I'll do the same." Inuyasha stood and gave his brother a sad, gentle smile. "I love you, Sesshoumaru," he stated softly, wishing in his heart that his brother, just this once, would speak those same words to him. The hanyou turned when there was no response, walking back towards his friends and his otherwise normal life.

"I love you too, otouto," Sesshoumaru whispered into the night when he knew the hanyou would not be able to hear the words he had longed for. _That's why it must be this way, _the taiyoukai thought as he rose and walked in the opposite direction, moving towards his new life.

Entering his camp, Sesshoumaru added three more logs to the fire, so that his party might snooze more soundly in warmth. He took great care not to wake anyone, stepping carefully over the sleeping bodies. The dog lord leaned up against a mighty oak, ready for rest to claim him too, but something made him look out upon his companions.

He noticed Shorai shift in her sleep over onto her side, exposing more of her skin to the warmth of the flames. Perhaps the ookami was not his next step in life, or love, but he had to start trying somehow. Then, his attention was drawn to Jaken, who was situated between the two slumbering heads of the dragon, his beak open wide and head thrown back. Sometimes the imp's awkwardness just made the taiyoukai want to laugh.

To his left, Rin was snoring softly, her tiny head resting upon the crook of her arm. Sesshoumaru felt compelled to rise once more, but instead he leaned towards the girl. Gently, the taiyoukai reached over and cradled the ningen child in his arms, folding his fluffy pelt around her body. Seeing her sleep had always made him feel proud, now he knew why. He, Sesshoumaru, was strong enough to provide for others those things he never had. He was not broken, helpless or worthless, no matter what he had lived through. _I have you to thank for showing me that, Inuyasha, _Sesshoumaru thought to himself.

He brushed back a spray of hair from Rin's face, and closed his eyes, beginning to feel himself drift away into the beginnings of deep sleep.

A sleep without nightmares so he could awaken with new hope.

**THE END**

Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing my story. I'm so glad everyone liked it even if I didn't keep the brother's together. (next one I promise will have lots of "puppy lovin" and I'll let the two brother's be happy)

I most especially want to thank my wonderful beta, Jess. Without her help and encouragement, this would have not been the story it was. I hope to be doing many more fanfics with her in the future. **Much love to you, Jess hugs & kisses**

My next story is going to be totally original, with my own characters. This is the first time I've ever tired to write something like this and I hope you'll all like it. It's a little BL shounen-ai story about two friends who come to find out, after many misunderstandings, that they would like to be more than friends. I hope to be posting it within the next few weeks.

See you all again, you guys are just great! If anyone has any requests or ideas for stories they would like me to write for them, please let me know and I'd be happy to oblige.

Love and Cuddles

Lyiint


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